Survival of the Fittest – I Don’t Think Thats Me

19 Jul

I’m writing this from behind the battle lines. The worst has happened. I’m under attack. Approximately half an hour ago, or BS as I like to call it, my world was calm and I was having a quiet night in. I got off my bed, and looked around for my face wipes, when a shadow crossed my bed. And BS (before spider) was no more.

Christ. What the hell am I going to do? The housemates are all out and my room is so small that you are either on the bed or in the hall, so not much sleeping will be done while its there. Fight or flight. Its me or it. I thought.

Then the adrenaline kicked in. I tied a scarf around my head manned up, and with the lightning speed of a ninja I moved the duvet to find it. I had lost visual. It was probably communicating over the spider walkie talkie with the rest of its posse and, sensing my weakness, advancing. SHIT.

Image

This is how I envisioned it in my head.

 

Then I saw it again. I deftly moved to find something to trap it in, and came back with nothing. Why had I chosen today to tidy my otherwise messy room? There was ALWAYS a glass lying around!! I grabbed the lid off a bottle of hairspray and stuck it over the spider. Now what, wise ass?!! I couldnt move the hand that was over the lid for fear that the Hulk Spider might break free, but at the same time I couldnt sit there all night holding a lid on a massive spider that kept waving at me either. With my spare hand I grabbed my wallet and extracted a cashpoint card. I’ve made the mistake of slipping a flimsy piece of paper under before and getting the spider on me (worst nightmare) so I knew to go for something made of sturdier stuff.

AS (after spider). Im now sitting on my bed with my back against the wall, suspiciously eyeing down the side of the bed in case its compadres lie in wait. I’ve shuddered non stop for about five minutes, had a little cry over what to do now, and sent my sister a picture message. I’ve doubled cupped it, by putting a tea mug over the lid so in the eventuality that it has a surge of energy, it is still trapped.

In this time, I feel I have learnt some stuff about myself. I either need to get a boyfriend to deal with anything that has more that four legs on my behalf (Tom Hardy, if you are reading, the job is yours for the taking) or I need to make friends with the neighbour. Although I am in my PJs, and my clothes are on the other side of enemy lines, so I would have to face the embarrassment of going out in my nightwear. 

I’ve falsely identified a few of its friends, only to realise that it is actually dots of fluff from my super fluffy black jumper that have merged together in spder shapes, and now I don’t really know what to do. I’m sensing that this is the calm before the storm of a Spider Attack, and all I can do is sit in wait and rock slowly from side to side.

Pray for my survival, and lets hope it doesn’t break free in the night, crawl up my nose and eat my brains.

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10 Responses to “Survival of the Fittest – I Don’t Think Thats Me”

  1. elroyjones July 19, 2012 at 9:17 pm #

    Spiders, ick. You are good to trap them. I kill them, they freak me out.

  2. prenin July 20, 2012 at 6:05 am #

    Spider Spider on the wall,

    Have you got no sense at all?

    Can’t you see the wall’s been plastered?

    Come down here you silly little – Person… 🙂

    Love and hugs!

    Prenin.

  3. misswhiplash July 20, 2012 at 6:35 am #

    what a vivid imagination…do you realize that THAT spider was sent out shopping by his wife to get food for the family. Now that you have imprisoned him , his family will surely starve. Can you really accept responsibility for the death of three small babies and a wife? They are desperately waiting for his return…..so do the kindest thing and put cardboard under the container and put him out of the window or into the garden so that he can find his way home……I am sure that he never meant to frighten you and right now he is more scared than you will ever be…please let him go!

  4. Richard Wiseman July 20, 2012 at 11:53 am #

    I’d get the UN involved, impose sanctions and try for a peaceful solution. Violence will only escalate. Negotiate with the spider and see what it wants, what its demands are and then reach a mutual solution. If the spider refuses to negotiate, however, I recommend getting a UN resolution to take action on the basis of the Spider being WMD,(Wicked, Mad Demented), get NATO on your side with a largely made up dossier on Spider being WMD) and have them give it shock and awe with a heavy boot. Our thoughts are with you at the time of your invasion and the world’s media are watching.

  5. Spoon Feast July 20, 2012 at 2:10 pm #

    As kids we always heard: “Kill a spider it will rain.”
    I only kill them when we need rain. But they still creep me out too.

  6. Roshni July 20, 2012 at 3:23 pm #

    even I share the same fear of spiders and everything creepy crawly! 🙂 Loved reading this post because it sounded a lot like me!

  7. meesha July 21, 2012 at 8:22 am #

    That was hilarious. I felt your fear. I was cowering with you all the way !

  8. thesilentsoul July 21, 2012 at 6:43 pm #

    I can totally sympathise. I’m exactly the same with spiders. Hope you managed to remove it eventually

  9. Admin April 16, 2013 at 10:45 am #

    Oh dear, so how did this all end up? Did the neighbours help or did you pull up your big girl panties and take a deep breath and dispose of it yourself?

    I have to admit, I may be an an Australian by birth but Im a hater of spiders by choice – terrified is more like it and it sounds like you know what I mean!

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