They Say The Truth Will Set You Free

4 Feb

Sometimes I try to talk and the words just don’t come out. They stick in my throat and hide there stubbornly like a small child not wishing to take the step into the great beyond. So I don’t say these important things, and its a hard lesson to learn when you lose something that was important to you because you were too proud to tell the truth, or too scared to admit that you aren’t actually OK all of the time. So in trying to maintain this pretence you snap and say things that you would never say. It’s like being the King of the castle and trying to maintain all the perimeters, protect the boundaries from rogues and bandits. But it’s not much fun being in a big old castle by yourself, is it?

“Honesty is the best policy” they say. “The truth will set you free”. But pride is a powerful thing, and I personally find it much easier to pretend that I am fine by myself, that I can cope perfectly without letting myself need to rely on anyone else.

But every now and then you meet people who you should be truthful with from the start. That you are a bit fragile, that you need a shoulder to lean against and that in your mind the perfect storm is brewing. You lay little barriers and they jump them with ease, and you start to think that maybe that person will hold your hand when you are troubled and rub the stress from your shoulders without you even having to ask.

Its funny, but in real life I am fiercely proud and hate to show anything to anyone other than “I’ll survive, you know me, I’m fine!!” but the words flow from my fingers like the barrier doesn’t even exist. Maybe it’s because you can’t see my face when I write, or that you can’t put a voice to the words, but I find a catharsis in writing my feelings down. My Mum says that when she reads this she sometimes is surprised that it is me; that I am so open and wear my heart on my sleeve. Maybe that’s true, and maybe one day the letters and the words will merge and I will stop being so prickly.

I learnt a hard lesson yesterday, and today the weather mimics my mood; a cold storm is coming. My head feels like it is full of a cold storm and I’m not doing well at people giving me their helpful advice. “You have a pretty face, you’ll find another one”. It doesn’t really seem like that matters at the moment.

I didn’t tell the truth and I didn’t let a person in who I needed, and for that reason, I lost him. He never did anything other than treat me really well; make me feel really special and made me look forward to seeing him, and all I did was doubt why I deserved it and kept things back that I really should have shared. I met someone who I wanted to talk to all the time, that I spent the whole week looking forward to seeing and that I just couldn’t be cross with. Someone that had so much going on independently yet I didn’t resent; football at 8.30 on a Sunday morning? No problem, I was just glad he fit in the time with me. It was all a massive surprise to me, something I didn’t get bored with or resent for taking up my precious time. I have never been so excited to see a person, or sit up talking with them until the sun came up and not be cross that I had to cancel plans for the following night because I was tired. But of course, I didn’t say that and when they say “You don’t know what you have until it’s gone” they really are right. By not appreciating someone and by thinking them the same as all the others, I didn’t see what was right in front of my face. Every time I told him something that was hard for me to say he never reacted with anything other than a big hug and an understanding smile, yet I still couldn’t say what I needed to. Don’t get me wrong, there were occasions when he took my hand and smiled at me and  the words were right there on the tip of my tongue, but I didn’t want to do anything to ruin it. Which, ultimately, ruined it.

And it’s not as simple as my family’s opinion. “Ah love, you just have to explain and ask for a second chance. I’m sure he will understand”. That was the hardest thing I ever did. I didn’t expect him to change his mind, but I sat down and told the truth, and it felt liberating. I only wish I had done it sooner. It might have changed the outcome.

I’m not going to feel sorry for myself for long. it’s not me. I just wish that with all the medicines out there on the market, there was one that would fix a bruised heart, or let you sleep until the pain went away a bit. Maybe I can patent it. Last night I went out and realised another lesson, wine is not my friend. I came home, got in my bed and snuggled up, not sleeping a wink. This morning it still hurts, but so does my head. Thanks, Sauvignon Blanc!

So today I will paint on my bravest face and go about my weekend. If you look at me you won’t see the emotion that hides behind the mask, and if you see a brief flicker of something that seems like sadness, you will see it pass so quickly that you might think you imagined it or mistake it for something else. But it’s there, and when I’m by myself it will appear again.

“When people walk away from you, let them go. Your destiny is never tied to anyone who leaves you and it doesn’t mean they are bad people, it just means that their part in your story is over.” Thanks Sam, for those few words that made me feel a little better.

Normal service will resume soon, you know me, I’m fine…. But if you don’t hear from me for a few days, I’m just working on being OK.

Related posts: The Heart Is Just An Organ

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19 Responses to “They Say The Truth Will Set You Free”

  1. prenin February 4, 2012 at 10:54 am #

    Oh Tinks I’m sooo sorry!!! 😦

    Hope you feel better soon sweetheart and don’t forget you’ve got a bunch of wastrels and neerdowells right here who love you to death!!! 🙂

    Huge hugs and kisses! 🙂

    Prenin.

  2. speccy February 4, 2012 at 11:07 am #

    beautiful, and full of truth. Lick those wounds and come back to us

  3. bdewayne February 4, 2012 at 12:32 pm #

    Tinker I truly wish I could offer some sage advice to ease your pangs but I come up empty.You would think a 61 year old could offer something more than mere commiseration.The heart is a funny little thing.In life it gets squeezed,bumped,bruised nearly tore in two;but in time it eventually goes back to it’s original shape.It must be made of memory foam.Someone or something makes a deep impression then leaves;making its mark;but the foam returns to it’s original shape, but retaining the memory of the impression.That is probably called experience.Were I close by I’d make you strawberry french toast;wouldn’t necessarily help ;but it couldn’t hurt.Beside they almost always elicit a smile.

  4. nelle February 4, 2012 at 1:07 pm #

    *hugs*

    I wish my response could read differently; I wish life didn’t come with pains large and small, but it does, and nothing I say here can ease the flow of thoughts running through your mind.

    At another time, it will be categorised as experience, the hurt will be indirect, of memory, not active. Such experiences, whether it helps you or not now, will help you in the future. I’ve been through a hell of a ride, from all that comes with crossing gender lines and more, from consequences of my circumstances at the time (resulting in a legal conviction.) I lost almost everything – partner of 27.5 years, was disconnected from my children, our pets (beloved Newfoundland and a kitty) had to leave my home, 80% of which I built or altered, lost my business, and… five plus years later due to what happened back then as I fell into dysfunction, 21 months in a federal prison camp, going to which cost me my new career with a state agency.

    I don’t wallow in the pain of it all, but believe me, that sh*t hurt. What it did produce for me now, it made me stronger, more resilient, with better insight into myself and how we humans cope and overcome. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. It almost killed me, but I’m a hell of a lot stronger now.

    Your hurt will make you stronger. You have a better handle on how to interact with another, on what matters to you, of what it feels like, of how you get through, of what can go wrong, of how to make it work. Life will look less scary, because what you will also know is you can get through and move on.

    I’ve a British friend who now lives in the US. Tough minded creature she be, with a heart the size of a mountain, a mind full of wisdom. She saved my sorry arse from crossing the event horizon way back when, and I do try to pay it forward when someone hurts, a little or a lot.

    What you deal with now might suck in the moment, but… every second you gain something valuable. It takes time to download it all and reconcile, but… wallow for a bit, allow yourself to feel sorry for yourself for a few more days, but then set a goal for when you will say ‘enough of this nonsense’, I’m Tinker, and forward I go.’ (which for me would actually be an old friend’s ‘never straight, always forward’, but I’ll not sic that one on you!)

    Best wishes, and another *hug*

  5. I'd Rather Be In Iceland February 4, 2012 at 1:23 pm #

    Beautiful post! Intesting point that your online persona may be different than how you come across in real life.

  6. Marvin the Martian February 4, 2012 at 3:28 pm #

    Loss is the same, whether it’s lost love or lost life. I’ve learned that you had better tell people how much they mean to you, and tell them often, because you never know when you’re never going to see them again. The friend you were just laughing with gets up, walks out the door of the bar and gets run over by a bus. Death can strike at any moment. So you always have to end every conversation on a happy note, because you may never have another. Try that in your next relationship. It might go better. Meanwhile, avoid alcohol and get lots of sunshine. The next act of your life is already starting.

  7. susielindau February 4, 2012 at 3:44 pm #

    Sam is right if it is too late to fix things.
    The biggest break up I went through brought me to my husband. While the old boyfriend was making his decision based on my ultimatum, I met my husband Danny. He came to Wisconsin the same weekend! Danny went back to Colorado and the boyfriend and I broke up, but Danny invited me to Colorado to the Telluride Bluegrass Festival and the rest is history!

    Hang in there girlfriend! If he was the right guy, you would have opened up…..

  8. plummymummy February 4, 2012 at 5:39 pm #

    “They” also say silence is golden.
    “They” also say that it’s not good for partners to know everything about eachother so don’t drop all your veils (is that the nice way of saying familiarity breeds contempt?).
    Communication is hard and I think that it’s just by luck that we ping pong bong into someone that we can open up to.
    “They” say breaking up is hard to do…staying with the wrong guy is even worse. I agree with the other poster that if he was the right guy, you would have opened up but one day, ping pong bong, bada boom, you will meet someone right for you. Just don’t go blabbing all your darkest deepest weirdness to him else there won’t be anything left to write up in this great blog and that would be a loss for all of us.

    P.S. Hope your heart mends soon sans alcohol. xx

    • tinkerbelle86 February 4, 2012 at 5:41 pm #

      plummymummy, this made me smile so much. Thats a really good point, I need something for myself to tell you guys 🙂

  9. twindaddy February 4, 2012 at 6:02 pm #

    The silver lining is that you learned from the experience so when you’re in this situation again in the future you will know what to do. You will most definitely find someone who is a perfect match for you. You will know it and he will, too. When that happens, you will open up and say the things that need to be said. It will feel right for you to say them as well.

    I hope your weekend isn’t ruined by this, and the pain shall pass.

  10. bdewayne February 4, 2012 at 7:30 pm #

    I wrote a reply quite some time ago but being a techno-klutz I messed it up.So all this old fool can offer is I have learned that the heart is almost like memory foam.It might get dented,pitted and nearly twisted in two but it eventually comes back into shape;looking none the worse for wear;but remembering the depression.I know that is about as satisfying as an air sandwich but there are some cliches;some platitudes that might piss you off but do have some truth to them.If you will accept a hug from an old man you’ve never met consider yourself hugged.

  11. 1smiles February 5, 2012 at 12:36 am #

    (((Tinkerbelle))) Sending you hugs.

  12. Team Oyeniyi February 5, 2012 at 8:20 am #

    “Its funny, but in real life I am fiercely proud and hate to show anything to anyone other than “I’ll survive, you know me, I’m fine!!””

    Yes, I know. Bad stuff, really, it is. We learn – in time.

  13. Chris Sheridan February 5, 2012 at 6:26 pm #

    Just really sorry that you’re going through this kind of pain right now. And it may not seem like it right now, but better days are coming.

  14. Redneckprincess February 5, 2012 at 8:27 pm #

    My heart is with you beauty…feel better soon xoxoxo

  15. Wendy Saxe February 10, 2012 at 3:07 pm #

    You are open, honest and insightful in the expressions of your feelings. Keep trying to do it in person. I hope that you feel better soon.

  16. Sam February 13, 2012 at 11:17 am #

    What a beautiful post my friend 🙂 Sad and yet still so beautiful to read.
    Such an ugly hard lesson to learn, but I’m sure in time you will be better for it!

  17. Roshni February 14, 2012 at 10:37 am #

    I was so touched by this post. Because I have been through situations where I failed to see what I had right in front of my face. But, eventually, I did come back to normal. Just believe that if it’s meant for you, it(or the person) will stay with you… 🙂

  18. silverstardust February 15, 2012 at 11:40 pm #

    I hope the hurt has eased off a little.. When I read this, I felt like I read my own life for a moment. Sounds cheesy, I know but the fact is, I, too, find it really hard to talk about things that hurt. And as painful it is to admit to the fact – heart does have a self-healing properties. I wish that mind had that too. Take care and thanks for this!

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