Guest Post – The Old Christmas Ruse

7 Dec

There are some days when I feel like offering you guys a chance to read something that’s not my ranting for a change (and not, as Rob points out, that I ‘cant be arsed’!), and today I wanted to offer you lovely readers the chance to get festive with the writer of I’m On The Bandwagon. He is an amazing writer, and someone who brings much hilarity to my life, so over to him!


Tink can’t be arsed to write her own post, so I am here to save her neglected blog while she is knee-deep in dough and shit (What he so eloquently means is while we are Tinkering in the Kitchen!).

 Okay then, it’s nearly Christmas time so I thought I would just take a look at certain aspects of it that we don’t really think about.

When you were little, Christmas was a bit like watching ‘Lost’. You stuck with it because you wanted to believe that it was real, you were massively confused on how it all worked and thought it was going somewhere, maybe even lying to yourself in the process, but in the end it all turned out to be rubbish.  Well when we were little, Santa Claus was real. We could wait for Christmas because we knew Santa would be coming to visit, via chimney or front door, to deliver presents. We know this because it’s what our parents told us and we believed it. I may just be speaking for myself but I never questioned it, because I loved the idea of it. My parents did their best for as long as possible to keep the pack of lies, which was Santa Claus, going. But as the years went by, I started seeing cracks in their fibs.

Now I’m not just on about the obvious ones, like flying Reindeer and delivering presents to every child in one night, no, it was little things that didn’t add up. Firstly I couldn’t understand why my mum and dad weren’t blown away by the whole idea of it, as I was! I mean I would marvel at the idea of Santa’s operation and my dad would say “Yeah….good isn’t he!”……..good!? GOOD!? You have to give the bloke a bit more credit! Every Christmas morning I would wake up and think “He’s only gone and done it AGAIN!” But my parents were not bothered. AND I thought, my rough-looking mate, Tim, wasn’t allowed in the house, but a bloke they have never met is given licence to break in and roam around our house!? Santa’s Dad could have been banged up too, Mum!

Another factor was that I wasn’t allowed to send off my own Christmas list. Why? I know where he lives, what’s the problem? Nope, I had to give it to my Mum and Dad. One year I put something on that list that I KNEW my parents wouldn’t let me have. They would say it was ‘Not suitable’, so I thought I would bypass them, cut out the middleman and send the letter to the fat man myself. That way, Santa wouldn’t know any better. When the time came around to giving the list to my Mum I thought “Pfft no chance, I’m not a mug! This is going straight to the North Pole!” I never got that unsuitable present…..which was a goat for an Africa family if they are reading this.

Eventually I came to the realisation that it was a web of lies. Everyone does. And you get on with it like adults, which means, almost despising it. With Christmas songs being played in NOVEMBER! Snow and shopping for presents, it just takes years off your life.

Secret Santa is a weird one. Not if you do it with your mates, but if you have to take part in it at work, you always have to end up buying presents for someone you have probably spoke to twice. Nobody wants this. Where did this idea even come from anyway? I don’t want to point fingers but….Santa’s name IS in the title.

SANTA: Right! I have rounded everyone up! It’s that time of year again! SECRET ME! (Smiles and nudges an elf).  So who wants to go first?

RUDOLF: I will! I love this! Such a great idea!

COMET: (Out the side of his mouth to Prancer) doesn’t help himself does he? Up his arse!

For the record, I don’t completely hate Christmas now. As a result of all this, I Just will make sure my children are lied too as well. I’m going to take it out on them because the only bit of magic I can shatter for my parents is revealing how Sky Plus works. Rubbish.

24 Responses to “Guest Post – The Old Christmas Ruse”

  1. Bikram December 7, 2011 at 10:54 am #

    🙂 and that lie will make the children SMILEEEEEEEE and that is precious ..

    jingle bells jingle bells Jingle all the way
    Oh what fun it is to ride a One horse sleigh

    yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee haaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

  2. prenin December 7, 2011 at 11:56 am #

    I don’t think I’ve ever told the kids I looked after that there was a Santa – just me and their parents scrimping and saving, wrapping the presents in secret and trying to hide them from the little buggers who cheerfuly ransacked the house looking for their presents! 🙂

    Such is the advantage of an agreeable grandmother (now Great Grandmother) who had them stowed away from prying little fingers!!! 🙂

    Merry Christmas my friends – I’m spending this one ALONE!!! LoL!!!


  3. Forsythkid December 7, 2011 at 1:51 pm #

    I’ll admit to being a secret Christmas hater, but not because of any issues I have with Santa (who is real by the way).

  4. Jason December 7, 2011 at 1:57 pm #

    Seinfeld ruined Santa Claus for me. Now, I have taken it upon myself to ruin Santa Claus for every child that I come across. I do that by whispering “Santa’s dead” into their ears. (I don’t really do this.) (Or do I?)

  5. madtante December 7, 2011 at 1:58 pm #

    my rough-looking mate, Tim, wasn’t allowed in the house, but a bloke they have never met is given licence to break in and roam around our house!?

    Love it!

  6. susielindau December 7, 2011 at 3:17 pm #

    i believed in Santa until I was in the 5th grade. My teacher asked everyone to stand up who believed in Santa and I joined 4 others who were laughed at until we sat down. I was devastated and humiliated!!!
    My parents must have done a fabulous job!!

  7. 1smiles December 7, 2011 at 3:45 pm #

    I’ve gone to great lengths to shore up this Santa lie. And I do believe my children are sooo grateful. The Magic of Christmas lives on!!

  8. MJ, Nonstepmom December 7, 2011 at 8:13 pm #

    Like getting two great blogs in one! I am a Santa hater because my stepdaughter & friends have reasoned that poor children would not be so if they were good – Santa would bring them what they need !AAAAAGH! We reeeally need to pull the rug…

  9. Carola December 7, 2011 at 9:25 pm #

    Good post! I unfortunatelly missed out on all the fun. My mom told me the truth from the get go; she didn’t want to lie to me she said. I did the same with my kids but they insist on believing, so when they leave out the cookies and milk for Santa I make sure that they are gone by the morning…

  10. barkinginthedark December 7, 2011 at 9:42 pm #

    shite- he’s not real? somehow i never could believe a guy who would wear a red suit anyway. continue…

  11. LifeAsModernWife December 7, 2011 at 9:47 pm #

    I don’t ever remember actually thinking Santa was real… I don’t think I’m going to put much effort into trying to make future children believe in him either.

    This will sound so wrong but I don’t really fancy my children giving all the credit for MY present shopping to a make-believe character… does that make me a grinch?!

  12. writingfeemail December 8, 2011 at 12:36 am #

    We nearly caught Santa in the act when my dad, overzealously cranked up a stereo that was from the jolly man himself and we ran from our rooms to see him standing there with the loot. Of course, we thought he was trying to catch Santa himself. The ruse continued. Nice post.

  13. Marvin the Martian December 8, 2011 at 2:06 am #

    I do miss Secret Santa, back in the days of when there were offices, and people working together in the same space. But that’s soooo last century.

  14. Margaret Mason Tate December 8, 2011 at 2:15 am #

    “Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it.” –Roald Dahl
    Bearing that in mind, this made me laugh 😀

  15. spider42 December 8, 2011 at 8:33 am #

    Good one! Gave me a good laugh and I completely agree with you about the secret santa nonsense.

  16. nelle December 8, 2011 at 5:39 pm #

    You are correct, so many clues point towards the lack of a real Santa, yet… watching my brother in law fool my daughters with a Christmas Eve phone call was an annual event I loved, they bought into it heart and soul – until one year the younger asked if it were Uncle Gary. Busted.

  17. kathryningrid December 8, 2011 at 5:58 pm #

    Clearly you understand the *problems* of Christmas! As long as it’s co-opted by this Santa guy for his own [commercial] benefit, no kid is going to be fully on board with all of those suspect trappings. 😉

  18. inmyyellowkitchen December 8, 2011 at 7:41 pm #

    Echoing some of the other comment things..but the part on secret santa- so true! Enjoyed reading through some posts on your blog, and for introducing this new blog I need to read too!

  19. Team Oyeniyi December 9, 2011 at 8:54 pm #

    For a “British Blog Whare”, not bad writing at all! 😆

  20. elroyjones December 10, 2011 at 1:56 am #

    Secret Santa, completely useless junk that nobody wanted and likely got regifted from year to year. Loved the real Santa and was completely suckered in until I was devastated by disillusionment.

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