If I Was A Child………..

3 Dec

There are a lot of things that children have to put up with until they are of an age where they start to have a say, and I think if I was a child at the moment I would be pretty peeved.

Top 5 Child Irritants

5) Nativity Plays.

Yes, we all think it is so adorable when we dress kids as sheep and angels and get them to learn a load of songs, but it can’t be much fun for the children. I used to have the video of my nativity (until Little Bean recorded over it with American teen drama, the OC. Still not impressed) which showed me, aged four, sucking my thumb the whole way through and not being remotely interested in Mary, Jesus or any of the farm animals. One of the shepherds twirled his dressing gown string like a helicopter blade for the duration of the recording, and an angel a few down from me (possibly Gabriel) picked her nose for the entirety.

Lou showed me Lilly’s nativity from last year a few weeks ago, where the lady organising it is clearly heard shouting in a distressed manner “MARY!!! Stop eating the chocolate coins!!! They are for Jesus!!” Mary paid no attention, quite possibly because she was three, and her name wasnt actually Mary. And who gives a three-year old a chocolate coin and expects them to save it for their pretend baby, Son of God or not?

4) Joke outfits.

I have bought Poppy a joke outfit for Christmas. So has her nanny. I went for a Christmas Pudding, complete with hat with berries on, while Di went for Mrs Christmas. As much as I love her I thought this was really funny (although I did draw the line at the elf outfit: stripey tights, green baby grow, elf hat and ears) as I don’t want her to actually HATE me when she gets to eighteen.

3) Bedtime

I can’t think of anything worse than having to go to bed at an allotted time, just because my Mum told me to. At twenty-five I am Lord of My Own Manor (well, joint lord) and the thought of going back twenty years and having to have a bath at a certain time, put the set out pair of jammies on and go to bed when I was told would make me apoplectic with rage. The only saving grace would be that M*A*S*H would still be showing on Sky.

2) PE

At school I was the most imaginative little terror, thinking of reasons that I simply vcouldnt do PE or Sports Day. It usually featured around my ankle, but I might have a sore throat, chesty cough or sprained wrist if it meant I didnt have to do sport. I would also come down with the most terrible (and terribly fake) migraines, and I probably should have gone into a career on stage.

1) Jamie Oliver.

If I was a child, Jamie Oliver would be my top pet hate. Not because he has a face that always irritates you, or that his voice makes me automatically flip the channel (he doesn’t pronounce his ‘T’s for one; and if he says ‘butter’ or ‘Scottish’ I go into a rage), but for his purge of turkey twizzlers. I know he thinks he is trying to do the under tens a favour, but I loved them at school (along with chicken dinosaurs, potato smilies and waffles) and can’t think of anything worse than being a child and not having this to look forward to come lunch time. I mean come on! All that would be left would be pink custard!

What would be in your top 5?


29 Responses to “If I Was A Child………..”

  1. zendictive December 3, 2011 at 7:38 pm #

    and what of the inner child in us all? funny how they say the old are merely come full circle and become kids again. nice write

  2. riatarded December 3, 2011 at 7:57 pm #

    I loved bedtime for some reason, maybe because I love sleeping and the stories that my father read to me:)
    haha somehow I loved all of the things mentioned in your post. What I didn’t like was being forced to eat green yucky vegetables (which I still hate!)

  3. disseminatedthought December 3, 2011 at 8:41 pm #

    What about adults who insist on donning elf outfits AND think that they can pull it off?

  4. winsomebella December 3, 2011 at 8:58 pm #

    Very clever! and I would add that if I was a child a would abhor being dressed in an outfit that matched my sibling.

  5. visitingmissouri December 3, 2011 at 9:11 pm #

    I wish I could sleep as easily as when I was a kid, so bedtime surely isn’t in there.

    5. Other kids. I’m pretty much uses to having other around now, but until I was about 7 years old, I really needed my mom or dad around. I didn’t know how to act around others.
    4. Being too young to know things. I was always looking forward to the next year in school, because interesting stuff was always ahead. Also, getting there was always disappointing.
    3. Playing tag. I sucked at it. Visiting my cousins over the summer, I had to play it again, but now my arms are longer than most of the kids. That helps.
    2. Videogames. I played Lemmings when I was little. I didn’t have fancy graphics. Also my parent’s fault. Everybody else in my class did have cooler games.
    1. Girls. They’re just weird and useless.

  6. susielindau December 3, 2011 at 10:30 pm #

    Funny post!
    The most irritating thing I remember from growing up was going to visit a relative that didn’t have any toys or games to play. We would be given a deck of cards….

  7. kathryningrid December 3, 2011 at 11:09 pm #

    PE as expressed in the schools I attended was clearly a direct invention by a professional sadist. I was too timid and polite to find proper expression in or, better yet, expulsion from those horrifying hours of enforced “play”.

  8. lifeintheboomerlane December 3, 2011 at 11:49 pm #

    religious services, races at school (I always came in last), Mrs Lavin (she was nuts and always had lipstick on her teeth), my bedroom in the summer (no AC or fan)

  9. barkinginthedark December 3, 2011 at 11:59 pm #

    but Jamie’s at least trying to get healthy, good tasting food into kid’s mouths. i give him props for that. continue…

  10. artjen1971 December 4, 2011 at 12:23 am #

    I’m with you on PE class. I had swim class first period in the Eighth Grade–what do you think that does for a girl’s self esteem?

  11. nelle December 4, 2011 at 3:50 am #

    Great rant!

    Lessee… I hated school picture day, and someone deciding what I should look like, made worse for me because I’d already been shoved into a gender box in which I did not belong. Second, our class being told ‘you will thank me for this one day’ by our nun instructor. Third, being forced to buy into a set of belief or practises something inside signalled was a tad off personal plumb. When you are in a poor parish with a less than ten year old church and they pass collection around twice in one Mass to pay for the edifice and the Pope’s latest inclination (this was Pope Paul VI, back in the Stone Age) it bothers.

    Fourth, not listening to a child’s opinion or whatever it is on their mind… I was well aware of my gender facade at age 6; who would have listened to me? Who would believe a six year old harboured such a spirit searing issue? And fifth…organising every game a child wishes to play (and improvise with their own rules) into some grand competition with standings and results and glory for the best. Have fun.


  12. prenin December 4, 2011 at 5:50 am #

    I can’t comment because I have few good memories of childhood, but your five DID make me smile!

    Yes I was in the Nativity and had a box full of Gold that fell apart because the teacher had used the wrong glue, so I had to hold it together while I tried to sing!!!

    Love and hugs!


  13. jannatwrites December 4, 2011 at 6:15 am #

    I loved the lobster outfit…too cute!

    I was also a PE dodger because I have zero athletic ability and it was just embarrassing. I think I’d have to add being forced to wear ankle socks with the lace ruffle and patent leather Mary Jane’s with a frilly dress to church on Sunday.

  14. sixtywhiskers December 4, 2011 at 7:28 am #

    Great post!
    Oh yeah, I got more than five but here are my top five:
    5) Having to recite that poem that my mom taught me, over and over again to anyone my mom could find to listen. “He is just so cute when he recites it.” She would say. “Go ahead son, do it again for your aunt Georgina.”
    4) Being every ones little gopher. I could be minding my own business, coloring or whatever, and they would call me to get them a glass of water. And they were three feet away from the kitchen.
    3) Having to entertain my parents friends’ little kids when they came to visit. They made me play with babies.
    2) Having to go to adult gatherings with my parents and me being the only child at the party. I was board out of my mind and very uncomfortable. I was always dressed in a suit.
    1) Having to choose between eating or swimming. If I had something to eat, I had to wait four hours before going swimming. Crazy. I make it a point to do that now.

  15. Dazzle Rebel December 4, 2011 at 9:54 am #

    I’m not a big fan of Jamie “crusader” Oliver either but suffer with the same problem with pronouncing T’s. It’s not that I can’t pronounce them but its more to do with the accent which has been broadly labelled as ‘Estuary English’.
    Have I flown in from paradise?
    “Nah, Lu’on airpor'”
    The accent is even more noticeable on’Pipless’ Oliver because he seems to be a bit short tongued too.

  16. kateshrewsday December 4, 2011 at 3:29 pm #

    Great top five. Some of us have wonderful grannies, some don’t, and so ‘Going to visit Granny’ was always my top no-no. Funny-smelling doily covered chairs and snooker on the television. *Shudder*

  17. Kay aka Babygirl December 4, 2011 at 8:41 pm #

    Oh I think I would absolutely hate dressing up in those ridiculous costumes lol. My mom never dressed me up and I must say I am so happy about that lol. BUT she did catch photos of me naked.. not excited about that though lol

  18. jakesprinter December 4, 2011 at 9:29 pm #

    Very great post Tinkerbelle 🙂

  19. Carola December 4, 2011 at 9:39 pm #

    Lol, very creative.

  20. gojulesgo December 4, 2011 at 9:57 pm #

    Smiley fries! Yes! I didn’t get introduced to those until I was an adult, working at a school. They’re awesome.

    In my top five… hmm… I used to hate going to family gatherings as a kid and no one would talk to me except to ask, “How’s school?”

  21. Marvin the Martian December 5, 2011 at 4:45 am #

    Hmmmm. Team sports, birthday parties, Sunday school, phys ed and… I can only think of four.

  22. sheila7697 December 5, 2011 at 6:46 am #

    Funny as always! you really have a talent for writing!

    Hey, wanted you to know I am passing the Versatile Blogger award on to you! For rules, see my blog post from today, 12/4/11. Hope you enjoy, and thank you for the inspiration! ~ Sheila

  23. Russ Nickel December 5, 2011 at 10:24 am #

    PE class was the only place my dodgeball skills could be shown! And since it’s pretty much my only skill, I couldn’t give it up for anything.

  24. underwhelmer December 5, 2011 at 10:30 am #

    I think the little baby costumes were invented purely to blackmail the child in his/her teen life.

    By the way, you have a few awards come by to pick them up. 🙂

  25. ivyflo December 5, 2011 at 11:03 am #

    hi! thank you for liking my very new and amateur writing 🙂
    your writings are awesome and definitely will be one of my inspirations..
    and oh! I’m not a fan of Jamie Oliver too

    Cheers! ❤

  26. promenadeplantings December 5, 2011 at 11:10 am #

    Ah nativity plays, I’m sure they are only loved by grandparents. Great rubber ducks by the way 🙂

  27. Carolyn Chan December 6, 2011 at 1:28 am #

    PE is definitely on my list !

  28. Team Oyeniyi December 7, 2011 at 10:14 am #

    I love the little ducks! I want some!

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