Here Little Fishy….

12 Oct

Last week I came across a great blog (please do your homework, I reposted it but if not read here) about being twenty something and single, and the realisation that it may be something to do with us rather than the men available. Too picky? Not sure.

This weekend, fuelled with a few bottles of wine and a good old moan, my single friend and I decided to sign up to a dating website. After all, the TV aerial is broken so we couldn’t watch anything, and we thought it might prove to be amusing. And it has been interesting to say the least.

And I’ve decided to tell you all about it. Its good fun, a little bit like going on ASOS on payday. Man shopping! ‘Nope, nope, hell no, looks like he has a girlfriend…. in the boot of his car, nope, hello!  hmmm, nope.’

Firstly, thanks to Karen there is a fantastic metric for screening men, so if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. I’ve used hers. I have adjusted slightly to fit my requirements (she’s from Canada so I had to research some of her references), but it’s something every single girl should print off and put on the fridge. I mean we ALL could do with remembering that a Santa Claus beard is a total deal breaker.

The Screening Process (courtesy of Karen)

Requirements for Potential Prospects

1. A pulse:  Regular breathing= 5 points, Comatose= 3 points, Dead= 0 points, Heavy breathing= Disqualified

2. A personality:  Engaging= 5 points, Boring as a sack of wet bricks= 2 points, Doorknob= 0 points, Weird= -3 points, Douche= Disqualified

3. Hygiene:  Clean= 5 points,  Unclean= 0 points, Funky odours= Disqualified.

4. Toilet trained: Independent of personal potty tasks= 5 points, Significant knowledge on how to flush a toilet= 5 points, Avid player of pee games such as `Ready, Aim, Fire`and Àll pee, no see’= 0 points.

5.  Sense of humor: Russell Brand (Mr Katy Perry)= 5 points, Michael MacIntyre= 4 points, Steve Carell (from The Office)= 3 points, Mr. Bean (from your childhood)= 1 point, Charlie Sheen (from rehab)= 0 points, Jim Carrey (excommunicated from the leprechaun community)= Disqualified

6. Dress Code: Nice Clothes= 5 points, Clean clothes= 5 points, Hobo Chic= 3 points, Hawaiian Shirts= 1 point, Rapper Wannabe= 0 points, Falling pants= Disqualified.

7.  Personal Habits: Cooking= 5 points, Cleaning up after oneself= 4 points, Adequate knowledge of using a phone to order a pizza or to call 911= 3 points, Drinking straight out of a milk carton= 2 points, Avid believer in leaving the toilet seat up= 0 points

8. Crisis Management: Able to handle a crisis= 5 points, Unable to handle a crisis= 0 points, This girl is crazy= disqualified.

9. Beards: Joseph Gordon-Levitt (sexy stubble, 1o Things I Hate About You)= 5 points, Jake Gyllenhaal (groomed beard)= 4 points, Brad Pitt (unkempt hobo beard)= 3 points, Jesus (biblical beard)= 2 points, Santa Claus (unacceptable)= 0 points

10. Attraction: I’m attracted to you= 5 points, I’m not attracted to you= 0 points, You are Ryan Reynolds= Directly pass GO, collect your million points and win the game. In fact, you don’t even need to go to GO. Its fine love.

Fine Print: Need a minimum of a million points to qualify. A long interview process consisting of awkward dates ensues if you pass the screening.

So back to my story. I know a lot of people who have had success on dating sites, and see it like a bar full of single people. This is not the case. Single or not, men go on dating sites. But let’s pretend that it is like going out on a night out and being in an environment where everyone is upfront and single. (if you want to read a hilarious blog about internet dating and douchebag men, head on over to Brooke and McKenzie, my new favourites and my inspiration to tell this story).

We signed up. We filled in all the sections, half-heartedly I might add, with me listing my likes as “Wine. Cheese. Wine and cheese.” (this one’s for you Jules!!) and each added a photo, going off to get more wine. In the time we did so, the inboxes filled up with emails. If you are looking for a boost to your self-esteem, sign up to a free dating website; it’s like a shot of wheatgrass on a hangover. We couldn’t go to the toilet for fear that the email inbox would increase to over five pages and we would lose a James Marsden look-alike in the midst of all the shite. On one occasion it happened and my friend looked at me, scared and said “I don’t think I can cope!” More wine.

But don’t expect it to be plain sailing from the inbox ego boost. We quickly established a quick fire get rid of the crazies metric (which should also be stuck to the fridge). If we had gone with our initial thought that we would politely respond to each email we would have been sacrificing our life to the computer.

1)      If someone writes you an email titled “hay” it goes straight to the bin. There is nothing wrong with a) spelling hey correctly if that is the route you will go down,  or b) and preferably, putting something more exciting.

2)      “How heavy is a polar bear?” I fell for this the first time. Guy 1 got a reply. “Enough to break the ice!” Lord. Add it to the metric, if you see this joke, bin the email.

3)      “Fit”. “Gorgeous”. “Sexy” If any or all of these three words come through, accompanied by NOTHING ELSE! they get binned. How are you supposed to start a meaningful conversation from that?

4)      If the email is from a person with no head, only their t-shirt pulled up to reveal a rippling torso, they go in the bin. As we all know, I am a massive fan of a buff body, but I am also not the type of girl who would post a headless photo of myself in my bra. It’s not what one does! (Note. This has been the hardest of the metric points. If I see a six-pack that I would break my finger poking, it is something hard to walk away from. I have overcome this by flicking to my Ryan Reynolds screen saver. Thank God for Ryan!)

5)      As with #1, if someone spells ‘gorgeous’ ‘gawjus’, a little piece of me dies. It’s like when you sneeze and someone says bless you and you say thank you. Apparently this is bad, and if you don’t clap, you are the key suspect in a fairy’s demise. Or something.

6) If they ask me why I haven’t got a boyfriend. There is no easy answer. Because I moved out of living in a house in the country with my ex because I wanted to murder him for not picking up his pants? Because I attract men who are married, engaged, total douchebags or all of the above? Because the guy who was the closest thing I have had recently to a boyfriend is a thirty something workaholic? Because I am insane? Not sure any of these are socially acceptable.

That’s the do not pass go rationale. After that, it’s an entire minefield, but collectively we anticipate that 95% of emails didn’t get a reply. I got the guilt about this for a time but as my friend pointed out, if you respond to someone who looks like a serial killer and/or can’t spell, you are only encouraging them.  I don’t think that is admissible in court, but OK.

Some snippets of conversation:

“In all his photos his friends are smiling and he has vampire eyes!” Delete.

“I think he might be responsible for the death of his Gran” Delete.

“He looks like Eminem.” “Do you like Eminem?” “No I think he looks like a chavvy oik” Delete.

“You only like him because he is mixed race and you like that. He said ‘gawjus!” Half-hearted delete.

It’s now nearly a week on, and what have I learnt? (It’s like writing a science experiment!) I have learnt that Karen is right. I am picky. I get bored easily and annoyed quickly. If someone doesn’t ask me a question, I don’t reply. After all, I’m not trying to force a conversation with someone I don’t know.

There are a great deal of nutters in the world. I refuse to repeat a great deal of the content provided, as my mother often reads this, but some of the tamer ones:

  • Pitbull advised me to “grab somebody sexy and tell them hey, so hey” aaah! You will never get anywhere near grabbing me.
  • “Send me a picture of your feet!” I loved this. No “hi”, no warm up, just a podiatry request.
  • “Hey gawjus, I fink you are the girl I am supposed to marry. I read your profile and I fink I love you. Let’s meet up.” From one dodgy photo and a few lines of text? Surprised you can read….. This one actually added a point to the metric.
  • “If a man in a big red suit comes and puts you in a sack, don’t worry, I asked for you for Christmas”. Vomit. If a fat old man tries to put me in a sack he will be administered with a sharp kick in the general groin region and an ear bending so terrible that he will regret ever attempting to grant Christmas wishes.

But on the upside, I have learnt a lot about myself. All that matters to me is that someone gets that I am always dry, regularly sarcastic and often a little bit odd in my humour, and have the correct personality to be the same. During this scientific experiment I have :

  • Awkwardly seen someone who I shared a drunken snog with on a night out at Christmas.
  • Noticed that a once good friend of mine was now single and contacted him to offer a chat if needed (who says Facebook keeps us in touch?!) PURELY PLATONICALLY.
  • Given my number to two people. This yes, makes me picky. But bonus to the people who made it to this round!

And thus are my findings. In conclusion (they always round it up with a conclusion, don’t they?!) I feel there is nothing wrong with being picky (my granddad would TOTALLY agree. He hates all our boyfriends, deeming they are not good enough for his princesses). It might mean you end up dead being eaten by alsatians before someone sends an ambulance, but I think I would rather that than be romantically attached to a man who has a foot fetish, takes his advice from a rapper who looks like he had a stroke, and cannot spell. I’ll keep you posted if anymore classic, must-be-shared emails come through. Until then I will remain reporting from the field. Over and out!

If you haven’t already please subscribe and follow me on Facebook and Twitter (@Lillyheart999) for insightful tidbits of wisdom. Help me push up the numbers people!!


39 Responses to “Here Little Fishy….”

  1. Adam October 12, 2011 at 8:49 pm #

    Date this girl. Her voice can quite squeaky and she has a terrible taste in films but, on the other hand, she will do all the driving and is quite cute.

    • tinkerbelle86 October 12, 2011 at 9:01 pm #

      thanks Adam. Not sure I have got to the stage where I need to take references, but thanks all the same! PS rabbits are ‘quite cute’. PPS i dont believe you can actually drive

      • Adam October 12, 2011 at 9:11 pm #

        (Not arguing about the films, then. Ha! I win…)

        • tinkerbelle86 October 12, 2011 at 9:18 pm #

          i DO NOT have a squeaky voice thankyouverymuch! ill let you have the film choice one.

          • Adam October 12, 2011 at 9:23 pm #

            And you’re gullible. My voice-activated laptop is automatically reading out your posts in a squeaky voice. Squeaky.

            • tinkerbelle86 October 12, 2011 at 9:29 pm #

              this has gone from a praise my writing skills to a tell everyone about my trusting personality. i am definately going to write my next post on all the things you made me believe that were mean and lies. starting with the one about the spy and the passport. you douche!

              • The Northern Plights October 12, 2011 at 9:32 pm #

                Flippin’ heck..hang on, I’ll just get my popcorn..


                Okay, let the drama commence.

                *spells out ‘TINKERBELLE’ with cheerleader routine*

                ~The Dippylomat esq.

              • Adam October 12, 2011 at 9:32 pm #

                Oh, god. That is one of my favourite lies EVER. Yep, I’m a douche – certified and qualified.

                • tinkerbelle86 October 12, 2011 at 9:46 pm #

                  hahaha. im definately writing a post. if you can think of any othes other than the computer and the spy one please text me, i dont want to give ALL my stupidness away!

  2. visitingmissouri October 12, 2011 at 9:06 pm #

    I love this. It also makes me happy to be a man, to know that my sixpack isn’t my best feature and to realize being a grammar nazi (in Dutch, you haters) can actually create attractiveness. It also makes me sad I’m a man, because somewhere in your brain, some damage has been done in the wiring.
    “How heavy is a polar bear?”
    “Enough to break the ice!”
    Where was this when I was single?

    • tinkerbelle86 October 12, 2011 at 9:10 pm #

      Did i read this wrong? whats wrong with the wiring in my brain?!

  3. The Northern Plights October 12, 2011 at 9:07 pm #

    My girlfriend is unaware I’m dating her, we’ve only had problems since we started to live together 😦

    ~The Dippylomat esq.

  4. Meg@thelegaltart October 12, 2011 at 9:13 pm #

    Was just talking about this stuff last night. Hilarious! Had to stifle my cackling in my scarf while on the bus reading this.

    • tinkerbelle86 October 12, 2011 at 9:47 pm #

      I love a cackler! glad i made you laugh. Sorry if i made you look like you escaped the funny farm and had embarked the nearest bus 🙂

  5. karen0909 October 12, 2011 at 9:45 pm #

    OMG Tinkerbelle!! I just cancelled my membership for a dating site because of everything and more that you just mentioned in this post. I was laughing so hard and yet dying slowly inside because this is all so true *tear*. In fact I had a really unbelievable email from this guy on the site that was so crazy that it made me want to write a post on internet dating and use this loser as an example.

    And Ryan Reynolds is yumilicious. He was my soulmate until I watched Crazy Stupid Love and rekindled my long lost love for Young Hercules. Thank God for Ryan indeed! Both of them.

  6. BrainRants October 12, 2011 at 9:57 pm #

    Hmm. I always wanted to try a dating site, but make a profile like this: “Lonely but loving; 25y.o., 5’7, 270lb (but active!). I work in a fast food place but am ambitious because I am working on finishing my high school diploma, at which time I will move out of my Mom’s attic and start treatment on my body acne.”

    Dunno. Might have self-screened some crazies. You’re welcome to it.

  7. Rach @ This Italian Family October 12, 2011 at 10:27 pm #

    Oh my gracious… this just makes me laugh. But it makes me sad too. It sucks that finding a quality guy is like looking for a needle in a haystack. And girl, I definitely don’t think you are being too picky! So no worries there (not that you were worried about my opinion, but you know what I mean). 🙂

  8. gojulesgo October 13, 2011 at 12:10 am #

    Yesss! I love my shout-out! LOL And if they can’t appreciate your love of wine and cheese? DELETE.

    Also, I have to ask, what is a ” chavvy oik”?? (My husband tells me I should look it up on Google, but I’m trying to explain that it’s more fun to ask a real person. He already made me look up ASOS.)

    I can’t wait to hear how this goes. (Stay picky.) I had a few “interesting” internet-dating experiences before settling down with the Peppermeister.

    • tinkerbelle86 October 13, 2011 at 6:05 pm #

      Hum,not sure there is an ACTUAL definition. Let me break it down. A male chav is commonly dressed in adidas, or reebok, and always a tracksuit. trainers. hair gelled and combed. that sort of thing. you must get this in the US and im really interested to know what you call them for my language classes 🙂 my cousins in cali call them pikeys, but they are of english parentage. an oik is just a term my dad uses for teenagers. i think. together the term chavvy oik is not fond. please respond accordingly with the NJ equivilent!
      ps, i love how you married a man you refer to as the peppermiester. how did this come about? i must add meister to more peoples names. it will brighten my day!

      • gojulesgo October 14, 2011 at 2:47 pm #

        hahaha That’s great – yes, we sure do have the track-suit wearing, gold chain-donning, gelled-hair guys in Jersey! We call them “Guidos” (gwee-doughs) – I think it’s an Italian slang word, and it used to be a little dicey to use in mixed company, but with the success of MTV’s “Jersey Shore,” it seems like it’s widely accepted now (the people on the show call themselves “Guidos” and “Guidettes”).

        When my husband decided to ride my coattails, I mean, start his own blog about his pepper garden, we brainstormed blog name ideas. I suggested Peppermeister, which is said best with a thick NJ accent. “Oh! Wouldja look at ‘dis guy! It’s the Peppah-meistah!”

        • tinkerbelle86 October 14, 2011 at 5:00 pm #

          ah yeah they boys forced me to watch Jersey Shore when i was in Cali last, needless to say i havent since! brilliant, i bought a card today about the birthday meister. totally gonna send you a shot.

  9. Kari @ bite-sized thoughts October 13, 2011 at 12:34 am #

    Hilarious 🙂 And so important! This should be taught in schools 😛

  10. prenin October 13, 2011 at 1:21 am #

    Oh Tinks! 🙂

    Sounds like trying to hit a bullseye at 400 yards! LoL!!!

    Boy am I glad I’m past dating!!! 🙂

    Hope you have success my friend, but PLEASE be careful!!! 🙂

    Love you loads! 🙂


  11. Redneckprincess October 13, 2011 at 2:25 am #

    I absolutely swear I will NOT go back on an online dating site again, (since I am once again single) I seriously met guys that were crazy or drunk, I mean it could just be me, but I don’t think so. I am going to try and meet some guys in real life for a change, either that, or I am gonna be single forever, either way, it is better than crazy 🙂

  12. BROOKEandMCKENZIE October 13, 2011 at 3:39 am #

    Actually laughing out loud at this, amazing blog and thanks SO much for mentioning us in your blog, we feel ahem…honoured to have inspired you to write such a fantastic blog and also Karen0909 we LOVE your list.

    This was probably my favourite:
    “In all his photos his friends are smiling and he has vampire eyes!” Delete.

    Looking forward to reading more of your blog, anddd we’ve got a new post:

    much love,

    Brooke and Mckenzie

  13. Julia (AKA Jules) October 13, 2011 at 8:55 am #

    haha! I don’t do online dating. Just be careful!

  14. LittleMissVix October 13, 2011 at 9:22 am #

    Hehe you’re a nut but I heart you! You’re far braver, or maybe more crazy than me for going on there 🙂 But seriously I hope it works out – you deserve someone special. And you should be picky!

  15. chris zombieking October 13, 2011 at 11:32 am #

    as a single guy considering getting back into the dating game, this is something of an intriguing insight into the mind of the enemy erm.. actually, ‘the enemy’ does feel like the right term!
    good luck with the two potentials who made it through the qualifiers 🙂

    • chris zombieking October 13, 2011 at 11:33 am #

      oh the awkwardness when ‘strikethrough’ is disabled, and your comment doesn’t make that much sense…

  16. Team Oyeniyi October 14, 2011 at 6:16 am #

    You can NEVER, NEVER be too picky. Well, OK, yes you can if one of your criteria is that he earns $1mil a year and looks like Brad Pitt or Will Smith and can cook. That is probably over the top.

    Sane, employable, amusing and capable in the bedroom, however, are reasonable criteria. Add intelligent and at least as good looking as one’s self as extras if possible. 😆

  17. therealsharon October 14, 2011 at 10:35 am #

    Thanks for the laugh! You are so hilarious! 🙂
    Good luck finding the good one out of all the bad ones out there!

  18. Nicole October 14, 2011 at 11:06 am #

    Best. Blog. Post. Ever! 🙂 Ha, ha.

    • tinkerbelle86 October 15, 2011 at 10:34 am #

      ah thanks Nicole, thats quite a claim 🙂 !

  19. thediaryofsugarandspice October 15, 2011 at 8:34 pm #

    This had me bent over with laughter! Well done! I agree with the others..BEST. BLOG. EVER :-)) xoxoxo

    • tinkerbelle86 October 20, 2011 at 9:32 pm #

      thanks love! im amazed by how much you lot like it!

  20. An Observant Mind October 16, 2011 at 9:41 am #

    Oh this is going to be so much fun!
    Maybe not for you, but for the rest of us as peeping toms into your internet love life, pure real-life soap opera stuff!
    Please continue to keep us informed as to the outcome of your 2 guys that showed some redeeming qualities (oh, and good luck!) Cant wait for the continuation!

  21. Katie October 29, 2011 at 3:51 am #

    My mom would screen our potential dates by asking two questions were always — How tall is he (I’m 5’10”) and does he play cards (preferably bridge, but would settle for poker). Then there were two tasks (just like Hercules) he had to complete – he had to be able to walk out of the house without losing ALL of his money to my mother (usually playing black jack) and he was willing to come back after seeing my mother in her bathroom, curlers, no dentures and a cigarette hanging out of her mouth. If he passed all of these tests – he was a keeper!

  22. danitacahill November 1, 2011 at 4:25 pm #

    This post is a riot!

    I tried the computer dating thing after my divorce. None of the few I chose to try dating worked into anything long term. I’m happily married now to a wonderful guy. We have two great little boys. How did I meet him? Through mutual friends – a very nice way to meet people.

  23. eideard November 4, 2011 at 11:49 am #


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