Are You OK???

3 Oct

Are you OK is a phrase that is kind of bandied about there, and a lot of time it has no real meaning. Like when you burst into tears and someone asks you “are you ok?” for the most of the time they want you to just say yes, you have something in your eye.
I’m not very good at reading these signals (as I’m not very good at reading a lot of signals!!) so I normally just say “yesthankyou I am FINE!” in a far too chipper kind of way, and pretend that actually some wind/dust got in my eye and there is nothing to concern yourself with.

Even after a fairly stressful and sad weekend after working myself up so much that I was sick, when I came out of the bathroom to my closest friends sitting in the lounge peering at me in a concerned way, my standard response was “yes thankyou, fine. Just over tired”. No one believed that clanger. But they all looked at me in a concerned way and went back to distract-Laura-with-camping-plans talk, as if nothing had happened. And that’s why they’re are my nearest and dearest.

I am not a person that shows many other emotions than not particularly bothered, or slightly bothered and a bit interested, or understanding to someone else feeling rubbish. Anything that involves me being teary is normally done in the comfort of my own solitude because I believe that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and like a phoenix from the flames, I don’t really relish people seeing the not killing but making stronger stage.  Because normally it just makes you feel a little on the dead side for a while. As a kindred spirit from across the world tweeted this weekend “I’m mature enough to forgive you, but I’m not dumb enough to trust you again” which is something we should all adopt when sad. But when someone dies there is a different kind of sadness, a regret that you didn’t or weren’t able to do more. In my case this time it’s not just the loss of the person but more the inability to be able to make my Mum any less sad. Dealing with that is a pain that never goes away, just lessens.

But my friends, knowing how much I hate camping distracted me, and we reached a happy medium with me advising that if it rained/was cold I would moan, and them assuring me that they were prepared for this and would do their best to ensure I was housed in the comfort I required. Hahaha. And then we went off for Wagamama’s.

But sincerity and honesty are really interesting emotions, aren’t they? A lot of people feel socially compelled to ask you things, like how your day went, or how you actually are, but I bet you can count on one hand the amount of people who actually listen to the answer and aren’t just waiting for you to pause speaking so they can start again. Words are thrown about like snowballs in a storm, and it’s very rare that people actually listen to you, or watch your eyes to make sure that the words and the emotions really match up.

When you find people who are honestly watching you and doing the maths, hold onto them. People like this are few and far between, and if their interest in what you are feeling is real then they are worth grabbing with both hands. Most people feel awkward around emotion and therefore feel uncomfortable letting you tell them really how your day was. I find it better to just pretend life is marvellous at all times and that my days are tinged with glitter and sparkles.

On a positive note, look forward to an amusing post about more camping issues in the next few weeks. As disastrous as my camping career is, im sure there will be something unfortunate that happens!

“You’re in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here”

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19 Responses to “Are You OK???”

  1. susielindau October 3, 2011 at 12:51 pm #

    For someone who is so young, you have a great understanding of what is the most important in friendship. It sounds like you are surrounded with wonderful friends.
    I’m looking forward to your adventures!

    • tinkerbelle86 October 4, 2011 at 4:56 pm #

      thanks Susie I always love to recieve your comments 😀

  2. An Observant Mind October 3, 2011 at 1:03 pm #

    I’m truly sorry for your sorrow. It seems that death is the hardest on those left behind, the ones that have gone, moved to a better place and we have to work out how to live a new life, without them in it.

    You’re right about most people, excepting the rare diamonds, and I’ve noticed they are more often than not, not what we expected – they don’t “look” or “act” or “sound”the way we thought our kindered spirits would, and yet they are our friends to the end and often know us better than we know ourselves.

    Its a rare and priceless gift, one to be valued, and I for one, am glad you brought it to my attention, because for me, I don’t tell them enough how much they mean to me – I’ll go and do that now…. Take care of yourself x

    • tinkerbelle86 October 3, 2011 at 1:24 pm #

      what a lovely comment. ive totally realised that in the last few months. the people that might feel that they are the least worthy of your friendship of the least able to give advice are the people you are drawn to and are the ones that just make you feel better. totally feel an affinity with this!! most people wonder why you let them be close too…. thanks lovely x

      • An Observant Mind October 4, 2011 at 5:26 am #

        I agree, its something about a person that exhibits that humility that makes them so much more valuable. Its a shame there aren’t more of them in the world, oh well, just makes us treasure them that much more. x

  3. prenin October 3, 2011 at 1:35 pm #

    Unfortunately hun none of us poor weak mortals live for very long in the grand scheme of things and it is always hardest on those left behind who actually give a damn about the person we lose and we must think hard and long about how much we will miss them.

    You have a good bunch of friends sweety – Treasure them as we, your online friends, treasure you! 🙂

    Love and squishy hugs!

    Prenin.

  4. AG October 3, 2011 at 1:52 pm #

    It’s so true – we have to put up a front for people who expect us to react a certain way….it’s just easier in the long run, isn’t it? Well, I hope that you are okay…actually, I hope that you’re beyond okay, treading on fantabugreatnesssome. But if you aren’t, you don’t have to pretend =)

  5. ceciliag October 3, 2011 at 2:27 pm #

    you are so right, once after a terrible incident a nurse said to me are you ok? and i shrieked like a mad thing NO I AM NOT OK and very politely asked her to go away..well what a dumb question.. c

    • sonsothunder October 4, 2011 at 5:59 am #

      He He…I told one once… after she refused to test me for candida that my… Well, a part of me itched…Okay…never mind.. she didn’t want to hear the de—tales either..oh wait. hey don’t laugh… I misspelled it, but know the difference.. a Tale is a recital… and a tail is a rectal…Oh , never mind…it itched like crazy though…
      the nurse wasn’t interested either…and that’s the end of this tale…

  6. Tammy Holloway October 3, 2011 at 3:28 pm #

    I love that movie……One thing I’ve learned through hardship is how many actual friends I had. However, with all the “bulldozing” (as I call it), my strength and vision are much stronger. Life throws curve balls and I am thankful for that everyday. I don’t know about you but I prefer the ball go around me then hit me between the eyes! I am no baseball player and that would happen to me no doubt! 😉 I now have more time for the people that matter in my life. On that note….loss is a tough thing for anyone to endure. Many people can’t find the words to express how they feel and some express things we don’t want to hear. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger became a pretty unpopular phrase for me after a while. I used to say in a smart alec voice “What doesn’t kill you makes you take prozac.” I hate meds. My relief was comedy. I must have watched Dumb and Dumber a gazzilion times. That is when I adopted the phrase about the bulldozer. We are here on this Earth. We get one shot at it. What we do with it is up to us. Never have regrets. They just cause more pain. Concentrate on all the good things that happened when the person we loved was alive. They are in the arms of am angel and have complete comfort now. Enjoy….err…have fun…I mean….have a safe camping trip;-) May it keep your mind free from pain.

  7. LittleMissVix October 3, 2011 at 3:50 pm #

    So sorry to hear about your loss and that you’re struggling right now. It sounds like you have some great friends around you for support even if you don’t want to talk to them about how you feel. I totally agree that people shouldn’t ask how you are, if they don’t want to actually hear about it but I guess we all have to make small talk now and again. I hope the camping trip helps cheer you up. Sending a big hug xx

  8. Beth, just being me October 3, 2011 at 5:09 pm #

    i think many many of us can relate to this, thank you for sharing your honest and beautiful thoughts

  9. veryVERYbusymom October 3, 2011 at 6:16 pm #

    I am so sorry for your loss. “Are you ok?,” does seem to propel the answer, “Yes I’m fine,” whether or not it’s the truth. And yet if you answer the truth: “No, I’m not ok! I feel like crap!,” people don’t know what to do with it. I guess the answer is to be honest when your friends ask, and quickly weigh the situation if it’s asked by an acquaintance or a stranger. They’re probably just trying to be polite, but don’t really want to sit for an hour holding your hand.

  10. kathryningrid October 3, 2011 at 8:45 pm #

    This is such a classic “if you have to ask that, you don’t really want to know the answer” question. Sometimes the best reply is a wordless one-second steady look back in the eye so the inquisitive person knows that you know that he knows. Then you don’t have to say what’s really on your mind (“Do I effing *LOOK* like I effing want to tell an effing complete stranger all my effing troubles?!!!” or some such pleasantry) but can then slink along to hide in the much-wanted dark corner until able to cope with emerging again.
    The only true comfort is knowing that there ARE people, including the aforementioned complete strangers (i.e. blog-acquired acquaintances) that sincerely DO care and want the best for you. We’re here. We’re staying. We’ll even go camping with you, though many of us hate it even more than you claim to do, if that’s what it takes! Imagine, your campsite is going to be jammed with vicarious campers, most of us of that eccentric, delirious bent that finds laughter extremely contagious or we wouldn’t be lollygagging about all the time, enjoying your usually wacky approach to life and writing.
    I hope you’ll soon be giggling at inappropriate moments again with the rest of us. In the meantime, many wishes for solace coming your way.

  11. imagesbytdashfield October 3, 2011 at 9:25 pm #

    We have become imbedded with phrases we use either automatically or just because we cannot make our synapses fire up something that really fits the bill. Sometimes this phrase is said with sincerity and other times its just said by twits! I’ve done the “I’m fine” and schlepped off as well as gone way off on the asker of the question. It’s the real friends or those with compassion who can come back and try to help/talk/comfort/WTH you when it’s needed even if you told them where they could shove it 😉

  12. Domestic Goddess in Training October 3, 2011 at 9:34 pm #

    What a sweet post! Sounds like you have some great friends.
    I think I must be similar to you. Even if I am crying, I will say I am fine and try to be perky. Although, I doubt I have ever fooled anyone. I know I ask it, but maybe because I often try the perky answer, I will follow up with a “Are you sure?” So many times, that simple question after will be enough for someone to rethink that automatic answer of “I’m fine”

  13. Kari @ bite-sized thoughts October 4, 2011 at 4:45 am #

    Eek! I hope you really *are* ok now. I’ll look forward to the camping tales, but would prefer nothing too disasterous to come about, for your sake 😛

  14. sonsothunder October 4, 2011 at 5:51 am #

    Are you? Okay I mean?

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