Inventions are fantastic, aren’t they? I mean without some dude in an animal skin inventing the wheel, life would be all the more difficult on a daily basis, and if it wasn’t for Thomas Edison I would have a great deal more accidents with hot wax. And I reckon a lot less of them would be bikini line related.
But it does beg the question however, why can people not see that there are some things out there that just need inventing, pronto? Ill draw your attention to my first invention- less annoyance, tights. Call them what you will (pantyhose, stockings etc.) but the truth of the matter is that if you are female, at one time in your life you WILL have stuck your toe through them when rushing out the door to do something important. They say the only thing you can be sure of in life is death, but I can be pretty sure of this too. Important meeting, legs resembling the colour that Casper the Friendly Ghosts legs would be if he indeed had legs, tights needed. Oooh, slightly shimmery and brown enough to be convincing for your skin colour. Glamorous and confidence boosting… and now with a small, toe sized hole and a ladder from the calf upwards. And don’t believe the lie. No amount of clear nail varnish will help you in your predicament. You will just have a sticky mess of a tights hole, with a ladder sneaking out of it like a bolshy teenager on the way out for a cigarette. Defiantly sloping off. Stick to jeans and a hoodie if you ask me.
Shoes with detachable heels. This one is my friend Jo’s cunning plan, but after her revealing it, I can’t see why it hasn’t been done before. She recently got caught in a downpour on the high street, sans umbrella. Bad enough as it is, but then her heel snapped. And this spawned her fantastic idea; detachable heels. What a good one! If you get caught in the situation where one breaks, you could simply take the other one off and be in a fantastic pair of pumps. It would save the days of women across the world. Brilliant.
Grass that only grows so long. I mean come on, if they can genetically engineer micro pigs and miniature poodles, bonsai trees and plants that are dwarfed, then why can’t they make grass that only grows to a certain length? It doesn’t actually bother me as I live in a flat with no garden, but it would have made for a far more harmonious relationship with ex-boyfriend. I dealt with inside the house and the flower beds; he changed the cat litter and mowed the lawn. Apart from he didn’t, and we had these snippy conversations about it on a regular basis.
Me “what are you doing?” seeing that he was on his xbox.
Him “I’m on my xbox.”
Me “but you did say you would mow the lawn today so the lettings people don’t get on at us again. And it’s now 7pm and you have been on your xbox since about 10 this morning. And the cat litterbox smells of poo. And I’m not doing it because I have done everything else.”
Him “I’m on my xbox. I’ll do it tomorrow.”
Me “yeswellyouDIDsayyouwoulddoit!! Tomorrow is Monday. You won’t do it tomorrow.”
Him “I’m on my xbox. I’ll do it tomorrow.”
Me, in my head “I’ll do it. But when I’m done I will proceed to lawn mow your xbox. And then your face.”
After I had dealt with the lawn and the litter…..
Him “Oh I didn’t realise you were doing it. It really could have waited till tomorrow. I WAS going to do it.”
Me “I don’t want to live in a house where cats roam free in the jungle grass garden and I accidentally tread on mouse carcasses when going to find them because I can’t see anything. And I don’t like constantly smelling poo! I’m going to bed. Humf.”
The advent of stunted grass would have prevented this. Lol.
What fantastic inventions would you come up with?
Tinkerbelle 
I can see why he became an ex-boyfriend 🙂
Re: tights. Store them in the fridge. I don’t know why this works, but it does.
good idea!
REALLY?! Wow…
The lawn-care people have paid off the genetic-engineering people,thus keeping themselves in a job.
I have had road rage since the day I became a valid licensed driver. LOL! My invention would have to be a special horn for the car that has different phrases such as, “Get out of the way!!” or “Use your signal light!”, even “Who taught you how to drive?!” Or a way you could program your own sayings into the horn and you just press which one fits the situation. That to me would be a hilarious invention, but I’m certain no car dealer would install such a thing into their vehicles. Useless, but funny!
That would’ve been awesome!lol
especially the “use your damn signal” one (i know..i added the damn on purpose)
I like your ideas.
in fairness that would make the morning commute that little bit more bearable.
I loved the detachable heels idea 😀
It would’ve been perfect for me since I can’t bear wearing heels for a long time.
I love dogs and all, but sometimes their masters don’t ever curb them, and when this doesn’t happen, I end up stepping on their fecal before stepping into my car. No bueno! So my invention would be (since their masters barely consider the “Please curb your dog” sign) a big fat hand coming from the ground, slapping them silly once the dog finishes to poo.
Top of my list would be self cleaning windows, but they’ve gone and done it already!!! 🙂
How about self driving cars you just hired when you needed one and they’d take you wherever you wanted to go – already done: We call them Taxis!!! LoL
Face it hun – all the good ideas are taken! (Sigh)…
Love and hugs!
Prenin.
The idea for a removable-heel high-heel is utterly fantastic, and I”m quite serious about that. Seriously — we need to get our top men on this right now!!
Pearl
How about identifying the defective gene in humans that makes some jackasses incapable of signalling a left turn at a light (or in your case, Belle, a right turn being all British and whatnot).
great idea!
Or junk the xbox addict and then you won’t have to clean up after him and resent it. No offense, I guess you are happy as is, but I put up with a person like that for years and I find life where I only have to clean up after myself (and my cats) much more relaxing. I guess due to my experiences, this isn’t very funny. Sorry.
oh no, dont get me wrong. i did. a long time ago 🙂
Sorry, I didn’t read every word. You did ditch the loser. Good for you.
I love the detachable heel idea….that is brilliant. How about a cream that you can put on your underarms and legs that will stop the growth of hair. Seriously, can’t they harness that balding gene and come up with something that can make hair not grow? I don’t have enough money to spend on that laser hair removal so I’m forced to continue to shave my armpits and legs which causes me to nick myself with the razor almost every time. How do we stop the bleeding? By investigating this invention pronto!
yeah, but did you mow his face?! c
i dont think he quite deserved a face mowing. i did get a bit shave happy when cutting his hair a few weeks later and accidently took a massive chunk out of the back of his hair meaning he had to do a grade one on the whole thing and looked like a thug. oops.
Detachable heels? Fantastic idea. 🙂
Hi Tink! Came to check out your blog since you liked a post of mine and I’ve been here for an hour. At work. Oooooops…
Anyway, love your work and will be back often (On company time? Perhaps… 🙂 )
Ugh, tights! I busted them out for the Fall season just last week. I wore them to work and while sitting at my desk my dress somehow got tucked into the front of them. I didn’t notice. Went to the kitchen where I had a conversation with a male coworker. Mid conversation noticed my dress was tucked into the front resulting in my dress to be about 6 inches too short! Not sure if he noticed, but how embarrassing!
Around here, we were thinking of two solutions to the bad-drivers-nearby problem:
1-install a continuous-op security camera in our car pointed at others, and when we spot egregious driving, hit the ‘send’ button directing the film to the cops, who are then free to impose a gigantic fine on the buggers;
2-have a nice force field installed in our car that makes it impossible for any other vehicle to occupy any space closer than a car’s width at sides or two cars’ length in front of back of us (adjustable to smaller increments when parked).
So far nobody’s helped out with actually *creating* the necessary equipment or legalising it though. Rats. Here’s hoping!
Yes! I like the stunted grass! You are a freakin GENIUS! haha. Good stuff.
I feel you on the tights-hating… I have to wear them every day for work and I basically want to die. I also hate how the waistband cuts off your circulation and gives you stomach pains…some of my coworkers have taken to wearing thigh-high stockings to avoid this, but I always worry about my skirt creeping up at my desk and giving passers-by a free show haha…
i know. its such a predicament!!
These are incredible inventions – all of them. I can’t believe you posted them here. I mean, what? Nooooo, I would never steal your ideas. Why would you ask such a thing?
The conversation with ex-boyfriend cracked me up. I suspect XBoxes have contributed to many a break-up.
or injury….
A tool to unwedge my thong from beneath my tights 🙂
Maybe they need to invent a remote device to jam an xbox!
Glad to meet you after you clicked the like button on one of my posts. I shall come back again to see what you are up to.:)
Hilarious… I can see why he became an X… loved the read gave me a good laugh this evening, which is now like the middle of the night your time. London is one of my favorite cities. Each time I’ve visited, I’ve wanted to move there.
feel free to swap. i dont even know where you are and my bag is packed. im sick of the rain!!
Goodness, I am SO with you on the pantyhose thing! I was just thinking yesterday, there’s got to be a better way to make these things. Right before I stuck my big toe right through the toe of my pantyhose, of course.
I would like to invent a time machine. I think the world needs one. I know it’s like impossible and stuff, but my birthday’s coming soon, so you can mail me one. *CHEEEEEESEEEEEEE*
The stunted grass would be great. And stunted hair. I want to get one more haircut the rest of my life.
Clearly that is why he is the EX-boyfriend! Lawd have mercy, how long did you put up with that crap? 😆
I like the detachable heels.
I’m still waiting for decent non-iron fabrics for the office!
LOL!
This was hilarious! 🙂
YES! The grass makes sense!
Banning the xbox would cause so many inventions to be done. Imagine how many things your ex-boyfriend could have been inventing from 10.15 to 7. After mowing the lawn of course…
I love the grass idea. It might just save my husband’s life (long story).
My invention would be a lipstick handguide. I have had my lips for many decades. You’d think I would know how to follow their shape by now. But nooooooo – just because they are slightly lopsided, I seem to miss every time. Since the only makeup I wear is lipstick and sometimes a little eyeliner, you’d think I could just once get it.
Sooo, if I could get someone to program the lipstick guide to the exact shape of my lips, then I could use it to get it right every time 🙂
You’re hilarious! You finally cut the grass that he was being a snake in. “Without some dude in an animal skin inventing the wheel, life would be all the more difficult on a daily basis” – you’re right, but where would that guy be without the person who invented clothing made from animal skin?
Thank heavens for visionaries, right?
Great post, Tink!