Sanitary Insanity

7 Sep

I know that sometimes I get the devil in me and feel like causing a bit of mischief, but I think that’s fair enough and we all do it at some time or other. And when you are in one of those moods there is nothing better than sending your respective other out to buy you female products.

I first experienced this with first-boyfriend, when hanging out with my sister. He called to let me know he was going to the supermarket (innnnnnnteresting) and to see if there was anything I needed picking up. A chocolate orange? No, forgot, diabetic. Must be more careful. So I threw it out there to my sister, who responded “I need some tammehmehmeh” trailing off into a mumble. “Tampax”, she mouthed at me. Why are you mouthing?! He cannot see you. So I got back on the phone with instructions “tampax please. Green box, flowers on”. Why do they put flowers and other happy things on the box of sanitary products? It’s like they are acknowledging that if anyone comes within three feet of you you are trained to kill, and perhaps not in your most amused of moods, and then they are parading kittens and puppies and flowers in your vicinity. Not cool.

Anyway, the response was, to say the least, not amused. He whinged that not only was he not happy with picking them up for me, picking them up for my sister was all the more embarrassing. Build a bridge, get over it!

When living with ex-boyfriend, I had a similar problem. The weather was horrible and I felt like someone was trying to pull my internal organs out through my belly button (yeah.. let’s go with belly button). The cats were throwing themselves at the fridge through hunger and we also needed feeding. Short straw was drawn (“but my tuuuuuummmmmmmy hurts. But my baaaaaacccckkk hurts. But it’s raaaaaaaaining. But I WANT A BATH!) and he headed off with strict instructions of procuring me some tampax. “Do you desperately need them? Can you not wait till you can go? Can you not look like you are going to cry please? Okfinei’llgetthem!!”

But the funniest thing by far is being in the female aisle when a man is on a mission. You see them coming, like lambs to the slaughter, meandering hopelessly down the aisle, looking like they may be carrying a bomb. They stop and you wonder whether you will be on the news tomorrow as a victim of a supermarket terrorist attack, and then they gingerly reach for a box. Oh phew! They’ve just been sent out by the missus.

There are three types of male sanitary shopper; the on-the-phone, the smash and grab, and the hoverer. On the phone cannot purchase anything without approval and you can hear the girlfriend on the other end of the line “left, left, left, up a shelf. Does it say tampax? Then its tampax. Pink box? Sorted.” The smash and grab loiters in front of the products for what seems like an age, and then a hand shoots out and in one swift move grabs something and puts it in the basket, and makes off at speed. And the hoverer, like smash and grab, will loiter forever and then leave, defeated.

So come on guys, if your other half asks you to nip to the shop for girly bits, there’s no point in putting up a fight. Experience would tell me that she will normally win, so you might as well smile sweetly and earn a few brownie points. After all, if you bump into someone you know in the lady aisle, what do you think they think you are going to do with them? Exactly.

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31 Responses to “Sanitary Insanity”

  1. Bikram September 7, 2011 at 3:45 pm #

    Right Mam.. Point Noted …

  2. Jason September 7, 2011 at 3:57 pm #

    I was so intrigued by the Tampax ad that told me I could trick mother nature and dance all I wanted that I tried to click to find out more. What an evil trick you’ve played on me.

  3. Baddaci September 7, 2011 at 4:20 pm #

    HA HA HA HA…. this was perfect. Perfect.

  4. lovelylici1986 September 7, 2011 at 4:47 pm #

    EXACTLY. Everyone knows the guy doesn’t need them. Sheesh! Hell. The other day, I bought ketchup. I hate ketchup, but I got it for Babe (who loves the stuff). I wasn’t embarrassed to pick up that overused stuff. It wasn’t for me. *shrugs*

  5. Janet September 7, 2011 at 5:18 pm #

    I like it. Men are such wimps.

  6. brainrants September 7, 2011 at 5:22 pm #

    I’ve found, however, that the man who will do this for his girl/woman (even if phoning, stuffing, or hovering) will be greatly prized and rewarded by said female.

    Then again, I have become immune to embarrassment, so I’m possibly not qualified to say.

  7. gojulesgo September 7, 2011 at 5:33 pm #

    Ha! This is one of the things I won’t ever ask Hubster to do for me. That and come clothes shopping with me. It gives me bargaining power, you see. (You need to play strategically when you’re in it for the long haul [or until Darren Criss proposes].)

    Being my designated driver for Girls Night Out, on the otherhand…

  8. prenin September 7, 2011 at 5:35 pm #

    Hooooyeah!!! LoL!!!

    Mum sent me to the corner shop with a list and I handed the list to the lady and she filled a shopping bag including the unmentionables, looking at me like I was some kind of potential deviant then sent me home with a note saying that MUM should come to the shop to buy such things in future!!!

    Mum was always straight with us about such matters, so I found the shopkeeper’s behaviour highly amusing…

    Love and hugs!

    Prenin.

  9. the Incurable Curmudgeon September 7, 2011 at 5:46 pm #

    so so so so true…and funny. continue…

  10. runningismagical September 7, 2011 at 5:54 pm #

    Ahahaha – oh my this cracked me up. I recently had a friend tell me about the first time she needed her boyfriend (when they first started dating) to grab her some…and he said “sure, what kind? Wings, no wings? Small, medium, large???’ – kinda hilarious how clueless he was.

  11. The vigneron's wife September 7, 2011 at 7:59 pm #

    Have just come into contact with your blog and love it.
    Bloody hell you make me laugh. Thanks! Great to have a chuckle sat at this damn thing!

  12. quotidianhudsonriver September 7, 2011 at 8:46 pm #

    Ah but once you have daughters and are buying for 2 (and their friends) it gets really interesting because “Gawd, I can’t use Mom’s panty liners…”

  13. Kay aka Babygirl September 7, 2011 at 9:18 pm #

    LOL.. Guys always feel like someone will think they’re going to use the tampons. Um, I don’t think anyone is going to mistake you for using the tampons.. and if they do.. so what. Too funny. I had similar experiences but I found someone who really doesn’t care… love that.

  14. pharphelonus September 7, 2011 at 10:26 pm #

    I have no problem buying them. They are clearly not for me. Sometimes, tho, I have fun if buying pads. I wait until someone notices, and then say something like, “tub overflowed,” or “flood” or “great for cleaning windows.” Sick, I know.
    Funny stuff.

  15. K.Just.Call.Me.K September 8, 2011 at 4:07 am #

    Completely true. It’s just a box of tampons. My dad had to go out and buy breast pads for my sister-in-law! Hahaha, now that’s a man.

  16. Team Oyeniyi September 8, 2011 at 12:19 pm #

    Not something I need to worry about any more – but very, very funny and SO spot on!

  17. planetross September 8, 2011 at 3:26 pm #

    I wanted to buy diapers for my friend’s newborn, but I didn’t how much they shit … 5lbs? … 9lbs? … 12lbs? … I don’t know about kids.
    As for women’s products, … I might as well be looking for conditioner or things in aisles I don’t visit

    note I would purchase feminine products, if I had to. I’m not so sure my girlfriend would purchase whiskey and cigarettes for me though.

  18. Sandra Bell Kirchman September 8, 2011 at 3:35 pm #

    Over the years, I have sent out boyfriends/husbands to fetch the required sanitary products. Ignoring the pleading look of suffering in their eyes, I would snarl and point to the door. Usually the snarl got them and out they would rush.

    To tell the truth, I never understood their reluctance until I was asked to go out and buy a box of condoms. Now this was in the days long before it was an accepted and prudent thing for women to do. I snuck into the male products area and stopped, rooted in my tracks at the sight of a (handsome, young) male browsing through the condom selections.

    I felt myself go beet red. I would have run if I could have. Instead, for some reason, I held my breath. The red must have turned a beautiful blue, because, to my extreme chagrin, he turned to me and said in a startled voice, “Hey, are you okay?” I wished the floor had opened up and swallowed me. I retreated, admitting utter defeat.

    After that, I had much more compassion for men on a feminine sanitary product mission.

  19. We're Jumpin' September 8, 2011 at 5:28 pm #

    ROFL! So true. and if there is ladies in that aisle, we all know what he is doing, so I don’t know why they just can’t be all “macho” about it, haha! Thanks for the giggles!

  20. Cooking through the seasons September 8, 2011 at 6:57 pm #

    tooooooo funny!
    thanks for “liking my blog”

  21. zumpoems September 8, 2011 at 7:08 pm #

    Very funny! Not sure why this has only 3 stars — voted 5 as really enjoyed — this post really represents reality and does it very entertainingly!

  22. Ariel Price September 8, 2011 at 9:27 pm #

    Thankfully my hubby doesn’t mind this kind of stuff 🙂 Tampon commercials have always made me laugh (through my teeth!) when they imply that when I’m on my period I will want to spin around in circles wearing white skirts, go swimming/running/biking, and dance the night away when in reality I am most likely curled up on the couch with Midol and watching TV to distract. This commercial by Kotex says it perfectly:

  23. wordsfallfrommyeyes September 8, 2011 at 10:05 pm #

    Great writing – and loved the content. You made me smile, for sure 🙂

  24. Caroline September 8, 2011 at 11:40 pm #

    Haha this is too funny, and so true!

  25. irmaLAdouce September 9, 2011 at 12:33 pm #

    Try shopping for condoms…. Well, sex at my age is so far and in between that they are the only reasonable method, so flaunting the pack is like: hey, I’m not over the hill yet.

  26. mamanne September 10, 2011 at 2:47 am #

    Well, my hubby hasn’t got a problem with picking this stuff up for me or for our teen daughter… however, he’s not exactly ‘normal’. When we were first married, we were in the market with his best friend, and I needed said items, so I tried to discreetly place them in the cart… his friend snagged them back out of the cart and the two of them proceeded to play catch with them up and down the store aisles…. sigh.

  27. JWo September 12, 2011 at 4:07 pm #

    I think at some point in my marriage I have been all three types.
    I remember breaking out in a sweat as I was standing there reading my wife’s notes and trying to find the boxes she wanted.
    Now each month I ask her if she needs any Tampax (I don’t even think she uses that brand, but that’s what they ALL are called) to make sure she’s covered and so I don’t have to do it again. haha…
    The last time we went shopping you would have thought she was planning on having all of her girls over for a Period Party.
    Thank God that never happened but I think she’s covered until sometime in 2016. hahaha…

  28. Richard Wiseman September 15, 2011 at 8:45 am #

    I’m married and my wife is my lover and best friend. I’ll go fetch and carry for her any time. My wife is going through the change early it seems and we’ve had a deal of discussions about menstruation. I had to go and buy her some ‘Tampons’ when she couldn’t go out because of the heaviness of the bleeding and she asked for a specific type. I couldn’t find what she wanted so I went and asked an assistant. The young female, God bless her, struggled more with the conversation than me. Talking to a man about menstruation was a struggle for her, I really felt sorry for her. I finally decided that an own brand size and absorbancy was effectively what my wife had asked for.
    So there are some of us men out there who are capable of not being embarrassed buying sensitive ‘female’ items. I will tell you what did embarrass though. When I was younger a more uber macho male friend of mine was seriously ill and back from hospital. I went round to get shopping for him and he asked me to get him a pornographic magazine along with his food and drink. I didn’t get it in the end as I cringed at the thought of the local Asian shop keeper, whom I knew, thinking that I was into that disgusting stuff. You might say that I’m a ‘millenium man’. That’s a man comfortable with his masculinity, capable of emotional openness and taking the view that men and women are equal in all things. I love that you tease those men who are embarrassed by buying ‘female’ items. It makes me feel avenged for being teased by them for knowing nothing about football.

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