After my post about girls being mental, I came across this blog from the fantastic Girl On The Contrary. Lies I Told My Boyfriend. Go visit and give her some love, she is hilarious!!
I heard that confession is good for the soul and I also heard that liar’s pants catch on fire, so, in the interest of my soul and my pants, I have some confessing to do. I wasn’t always completely honest in some of my past relationships- to spell it out for you I L-I-E-D. And I need to clear my conscious and admit those lies and I figure the best place to do that is the interweb because it reaches most people and robots. Please don’t think too poorly of me after this, when I told these lies I was young and immature, as opposed to now, when I’m old and immature.
Lie. “I’m not really that hungry, I’ll just have a salad.”
Truth. I was starving. My stomach was literally eating itself, but I didn’t want him to think I was a fatty fatty fat fat. Also, afterwards, I went home and ate like 3 boxes of bagel bites.
Lie. “Seriously, you don’t have to call me everyday. I’m not one of those girls.”
Truth. I was super pissed when he didn’t call me everyday. And I was well aware even then that the fact that I was mad at him was completely mental.
Lie. “Your friends of soooo funny. I really like them.”
Truth. Didn’t like one of them even a little bit.
Lie. “It’s so sweet when you call me “baby”. “
Truth. Hate it. Hate it so much it makes every muscle in my body tense up when I hear it as if I am preparing for battle.
Lie. “You should totally start a band. You would be brilliant in a band.”
Truth. That kid didn’t have an ounce of musical talent or taste in his body.
Lie. “Nothing’s wrong. I’m fine.”
Truth. Oh, something was wrong and I was definitely not fine. Poor kid, he didn’t have a chance.
Lie. “You’re right! This is an epic song.”
Truth. An epic tragedy and a musical affront to all mankind.
Wow. If I had a talking cricket (let’s call him Jiminy) who steered me in the right direction, he would be really proud right now. Also, I wouldn’t have to be a puppet anymore and it didn’t even require me surviving being swallowed by an ill-tempered whale while trying to find my Papa Gepeto. Oh happy day!
Also, I owe an apology to all those boyfriends past. Sorry guys! The truth is, I was always hungry, I wanted you to call, I didn’t like your friends, I don’t like being called baby, your band would have been terrible, I was mad as hell, and I think you have awful taste in music. But on the bright side, considering what I just told you, aren’t you glad we broke up? Silver lining fellas, silver linings!!
Its true guys, you should be glad your ex’s are no longer in your life. Girls are deliciously irrational. For all those men reading this who are in a relationship, or on the verge of being in one, your ladies are wonderfully balanced, they don’t poo and they love your xbox. Mkay?