Lies I Told My Boyfriend

6 Sep

After my post about girls being mental, I came across this blog from the fantastic Girl On The Contrary. Lies I Told My Boyfriend. Go visit and give her some love, she is hilarious!!

Pinocchio

I heard that confession is good for the soul and I also heard that liar’s pants catch on fire, so, in the interest of my soul and my pants, I have some confessing to do. I wasn’t always completely honest in some of my past relationships- to spell it out for you I L-I-E-D. And I need to clear my conscious and admit those lies and I figure the best place to do that is the interweb because it reaches most people and robots. Please don’t think too poorly of me after this, when I told these lies I was young and immature, as opposed to now, when I’m old and immature.

Lie. “I’m not really that hungry, I’ll just have a salad.”

Truth. I was starving. My stomach was literally eating itself, but I didn’t want him to think I was a fatty fatty fat fat. Also, afterwards, I went home and ate like 3 boxes of bagel bites.

Lie. “Seriously, you don’t have to call me everyday. I’m not one of those girls.”

Truth. I was super pissed when he didn’t call me everyday. And I was well aware even then that the fact that I was mad at him was completely mental.

Lie. “Your friends of soooo funny. I really like them.”

Truth. Didn’t like one of them even a little bit.

Lie. “It’s so sweet when you call me “baby”. “

Truth. Hate it. Hate it so much it makes every muscle in my body tense up when I hear it as if I am preparing for battle.

Lie. “You should totally start a band. You would be brilliant in a band.”

Truth. That kid didn’t have an ounce of musical talent or taste in his body.

Lie. “Nothing’s wrong. I’m fine.”

Truth. Oh, something was wrong and I was definitely not fine. Poor kid, he didn’t have a chance.

Lie. “You’re right! This is an epic song.”

Truth. An epic tragedy and a musical affront to all mankind.

Wow. If I had a talking cricket (let’s call him Jiminy) who steered me in the right direction, he would be really proud right now. Also, I wouldn’t have to be a puppet anymore and it didn’t even require me surviving being swallowed by an ill-tempered whale while trying to find my Papa Gepeto. Oh happy day!

Also, I owe an apology to all those boyfriends past. Sorry guys! The truth is, I was always hungry, I wanted you to call, I didn’t like your friends, I don’t like being called baby, your band would have been terrible, I was mad as hell, and I think you have awful taste in music. But on the bright side, considering what I just told you, aren’t you glad we broke up? Silver lining fellas, silver linings!!

Its true guys, you should be glad your ex’s are no longer in your life. Girls are deliciously irrational. For all those men reading this who are in a relationship, or on the verge of being in one, your ladies are wonderfully balanced, they don’t poo and they love your xbox. Mkay?

Belle xxx


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15 Responses to “Lies I Told My Boyfriend”

  1. SigLightfoot September 6, 2011 at 11:39 am #

    Girl’s don’t poo?

    • tinkerbelle86 September 6, 2011 at 12:32 pm #

      ahahahaha can i first address the SigLightfoot business? Your mum doesnt call you this soldier. I think DanDan is better 🙂 of course we do. Lots.

      • tinkerbelle86 September 6, 2011 at 12:44 pm #

        ps… YOURE COMING BACK FROM GERMAN LAND? WHEN? message me please. x

  2. LittleMissVix September 6, 2011 at 12:03 pm #

    Haha love it! I’ve totally sulked in private but said I’m fine and put up with no phone calls even though I wnated them too 🙂 I don’t think I’ve done the not hungry, eat salad thing as I seriosuly love food but never say never!

    • tinkerbelle86 September 6, 2011 at 12:33 pm #

      i could never watch someone else eat and pretend i dont. i have hollow legs, could eat a scabby horse, but the post made me laugh!

  3. sn2snblog September 6, 2011 at 12:12 pm #

    Haha I must be the only honest person on this planet, I like the fact i’ve heard some of those lies. I can actually confirm it too because i badgered the ex’s to hell to get the truth out of them with things like “You sure your ok?…Then why does your face look like a smacked ass?” (a personal favourite of mine).
    I think some of those are genetically rooted. The “i’m fine” one for example. For any guys reading this the best way to get something out of someone whose lying is to make them angry. Anger lossens tongues. It has it’s faults like your gunna have to make some things up to the person in question but still…
    THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE. and all that jazz.

  4. realfunfood September 6, 2011 at 12:22 pm #

    I just don’t get this! I don’t understand why girls think guys will think they’re pigs for eating a decent meals. Every guy I’ve ever met says it’s really annoying, especially when the girl tries to swipe some of their meal because they couldn’t bear ordering a real one themselves!

  5. gojulesgo September 6, 2011 at 12:44 pm #

    haha Yes, Girl on the Contrary is HILARIOUS! Love that blog (and this one, too – what a combo)!

  6. ficklefolly September 6, 2011 at 4:40 pm #

    So random Q: Why is it your pants that light on fire? If lies come out of your mouth, shouldn’t your head or something be on fire? Who agreed to sacrifice the pants for white lies? Especially jeans, can’t sacrifice a good fitting pair o jeans. Anywho…loved the lies. Men should be educated enough by now to know “I’m fine” rarely means you are fine. If not they need to come out of the man cave for a min.

    • tinkerbelle86 September 7, 2011 at 11:28 am #

      oh my god i never thought about that. it is a bit cruel.

  7. twindaddy September 8, 2011 at 1:19 am #

    I think you irrational, hormonal monstrosities should just tell the truth. It’s hypocritical to lie like that all the time then get mad at us when we do it.

  8. zumpoems September 8, 2011 at 7:11 pm #

    This is great! Such truth here! Also, thanks for the link to the other site.

  9. Tinytoes September 12, 2011 at 11:49 am #

    Ha Ha This is so true…. Not only to this girl but to most of the girls into Relationships 😀

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