Some days are just never going to go well are they? “Did you get out of bed on the wrong side this morning?” is one of those questions that makes you want to incite violence at the best of times, but when it is asked to a person in a bad mood, it is never going to lighten the atmosphere.
I honestly believe that the right side (directionally) is my wrong side. Some mornings I just wake up in a cloud and it gets darker and more opposing all day. It doesn’t actually happen that often, but when it does, y’all better stay out my way!
So this morning I managed to nearly blend my finger while making my smoothie after waking up thinking it was Monday morning. I don’t know why this met me with doom, if I had been experiencing groundhog day for the previous Monday I wouldn’t have minded, I don’t particularly mind Mondays and I had a pizza evening at the pub planned with my friends, plus the boy was joining us. Yet I was annoyed. Luckily it’s Thursday. The sky echoed my mood as I left for work; grey and dismal and everyone on the road was driving like my great grandmother with cataracts.
I got to work and threw myself into it, determined to push the cloud away and find the sun (you wouldn’t think this was that tough a job in August, but you would also be wrong), but when I logged into my work blog to check how it was going / do some work on it / assess my kingdom, I found that I was featuring for some rather specialist search terms. Specifically bad ones were “little boobs”, “hot Arab sex” and some other ones that I don’t think I can colour the air with. It seems that when writing a travel piece on the United Arab Emirates I had completely innocently managed to use the terms ‘Arab’ ‘gold sprinkles’ and ‘bottom’ in the same sentence. To me, a great piece on the draw of Abu Dhabi, to the search engines something slightly more xrated. FML.
Then I headed off to town to buy myself some false eyelashes as a cheer up (I didn’t say I was especially complex, getting distracted with fluffy and fluttery things quite easily) and some woman decided to drive a trolley right into the side of my car. If you know me at all you will know that I am not a great car person, and bad luck comes propelling towards me like metal to a super strong magnet, but that was no excuse. She walked straight into my car. This was fine, I was going to rise above it (channelling my inner grown up) but I had my windows open so she decided to pop her head through and say “you really should be more careful” while tutting and shaking her head.
I lost it. In a calm and measured way. My bloody engine wasn’t even on! The car was stationary!
“Sorry, what is the problem?” I heard myself say, in a kind of rising above my body and watching the situation play out way.
“You should be more careful and watch for pedestrians. You young people! Tut tut, suck of teeth suck of teeth tut” said Irma the Interferer.
“Well I AM SORRY” I said “but I think you are mistaken. If you poke your head a little further into my personal space you will see the car keys aren’t even in the ignition yet. The car wasn’t actually moving. Maybe I should be more careful of dotty women wielding trolleys, but I wasn’t aware this was part of the Highway Code! This clearly is an affliction of US YOUNG PEOPLE”. Lord. I wish I had control of my inner mardy teenager.
“Just be careful. Tut tut suck of teeth tut” she said “seventeen year olds are often inexperienced but if you have just passed your test you should have the passed plates on.”
This was too much.
“IVE BEEN DRIVING FOR EIGHT YEARS! THE CAR WASNT EVEN ON! IM TWENTY FIVE!!!!! AAAARRRRGGGHH”
I must admit, it wasn’t my most dignified moment. But I feel I was pushed to it.
So Thursday, thanks for your influence on my life, but I am now at home. I have had a shower, brushed my toothipegs, and I am going to bed to sleep you off and avoid you inflicting any more pain on my otherwise perfect day!!