If Only Money Grew On Trees

4 Aug

I haven’t had a holiday in ages.

OK, that’s a lie. I’ve actually been to Germany, Portugal and California this year, but I feel like I haven’t been away in ages. I’m one of those people who lives to travel, who loves to get off a plane in a new destination and who enjoys soaking up the atmosphere in another country.

The only problem is, I am also the sort of person who would love to believe that she has enough money to live like a princess.

So fantasy Belle’s plans are to visit somewhere hot for a few weeks, relax on the beach and stay in a beautiful hotel that overlooks the sea and has monkeys ( I love monkeys).

Reality Belle however is having a pain in the bum month. I am on a very strict life budget and the imminent prospect of my MOT on the crapmobile, plus the fact that my road tax was paid this month, means that all I can afford to do in my spare time is go to the gym, as this is already paid for. Which, if you know me at all, doesn’t bode well. I hate the gym.

Last week I went to the gym. And for the next forty eight hours I could barely walk, having strained every muscle in my body. I ‘daintily’ flopped off the sofa when I needed the loo, and walking was accompanied with a soundtrack of “owowowowowowow OW”. So I’m off there again tonight, for more ritualistic torture.

The worst thing about it is being flirted with by a bunch of sweaty Neanderthals. In my short time there last week I accidently made eye contact with the man on one of the bikes who had two teeth and a slight air of her majesty’s pleasure, which was a fatal error. While eternally running at a mirror you have the bad luck of seeing everything behind you, so I watched in horror as he made his way over, tried to make eye contact with me again, stared at my bum, lingered around the water fountain, and then luckily, buggered off. Or so I thought.

Then I went to do some sit ups and accidently made eye contact with a meathead trying to lift his weight in metal. He then kept trying to make eye contact again, in the mirror (goddamn the mirrors) mistakenly thinking I was checking him out. Yep, I like muscles as much as the next girl, but not on a man who is gurning due to the heaviness of the weight and looking like he might poo himself.

So I gave up and went for a swim. And who was in the Jacuzzi but Colin the Caveman, of exercise bike fame. I got in the pool and paid close attention to the wall, studying it furiously, trying to do at least a few lengths before going home and vegging out for the night. This went well till he invited me into the Jacuzzi with him, when I suddenly remembered that I had left the oven on/had an appointment at the doctors/needed to throw up.

They say chivalry is dead. I think they might be right.


22 Responses to “If Only Money Grew On Trees”

  1. ghummakkad August 4, 2011 at 7:56 am #

    I dont think chivalry is completely dead yet.

    Funny blog. I could imagine the entire episode. I am not much of a gym person (just too lazy) and prefer yoga which is much more relaxing. Regarding empty wallets, I’ve been through it and now saving up to travel somewhere again. Maybe Turkey or hopefully New York, in September. I love NYC and would love to be back soon!

  2. magsx2 August 4, 2011 at 9:52 am #

    I haven’t been to the gym in ages, not really my thing, absolutely hated the mirrors.
    Enjoyed the read, I love the way you told the story, and had a bit of a laugh.
    Had a smile at the photo of the wallet, but the guy, no thanks. 🙂

  3. thoughtsappear August 4, 2011 at 11:52 am #

    I like traveling, too. When I win the lottery, we’ll go somewhere.

  4. mrsbongle August 4, 2011 at 1:04 pm #

    Thank you; as if I didn’t need it already, you’ve given me even more reasons to avoid going to the gym! Know what you mean about the holidays though; my fantasy is to stay somewhere like the Savoy or the Plaza Hotel but on my budget I can barely afford a youth hostel! Never mind, I can dream.

  5. natasiarose August 4, 2011 at 1:20 pm #

    LOL. You were sore for 48 hours?! I need your workout plan.

    Also, I enjoy your poop humor more than anyone else’s.

  6. Rach @ This Italian Family August 4, 2011 at 9:22 pm #

    Oh girl, you officially need a home gym, haha! Sorry about the awkward experiences, but at least you know you’re hot stuff. 😉

  7. Kasia August 4, 2011 at 10:12 pm #

    I know how you feel. No matter how often I travel within a year, I ALWAYS feel like I need a vacation! Actually, now thinking about it, the only time I ever feel relaxed is when I go home to visit my family. Best vacation for me 🙂

  8. Fox@n August 5, 2011 at 9:52 am #

    wow great post …. yeah mirror in the gyms kill you i think there are just too many distractions.

  9. Team Oyeniyi August 5, 2011 at 10:41 am #

    LOL – I think you and This Little Thing Called Life should get together! He likes American Princesses!

  10. Team Oyeniyi August 5, 2011 at 12:39 pm #

    Of course! All that California stuff through me off! LOL

    Even better – he’s in England – when he is not in Iceland.

  11. ficklefolly August 6, 2011 at 2:45 am #

    Monkeys! Monkeys! Monkeeeeyyyyysssss! Big fan of primates. I like elephants too. Just read about a resort in Thailand where while eating your breakfast on a patio, could be greeted by the local baby elephant that wanders the area. Must go…after I find a way to become wealthy so I can afford all these trips.

  12. Sandra Bell Kirchman August 6, 2011 at 7:23 am #

    Funny post, Belle. Perhaps you will find a Prince Charming soon and then you can travel by private jet…whenever you want! 🙂

    • tinkerbelle86 August 8, 2011 at 4:37 pm #

      ive been stalking richard bransons son for months,. frankly im losing patience! 🙂

  13. Morgan Sin August 9, 2011 at 11:30 am #

    This post just made my day. When I was going I got good at avoiding eye contact at the gym, this makes me want to sign up again and practice avoiding even more eye contact. Thanks for the inspiration 🙂

  14. Julia T August 9, 2011 at 8:19 pm #

    “The only problem is, I am also the sort of person who would love to believe that she has enough money to live like a princess.”

    Amen to that! lol My cousin calls me, “Hollywood” for a reason :-/

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