A Touch of Gold

29 Jun

As i have mentioned previously, a couple of my friends have started internet dating in the last few weeks, with hilarious results.There have been some normal men, some slightly weird, and some needing to be committed. But there is one that is simply fantastic, and I had to share. I have sought permission and  to protect everyone involved, blanked out names and references, and simply copied and pasted it, for your viewing pleasure (lol). Sod my friends, with a sense of humour like that I want to lock him in the cupboard and rock him out when im feeling at my most grumpy and rubbish. If ‘Ronan’ ever comes to read this, all I can say is high five. Enjoy!!!

Hi XXX
I really like your profile, but guessing I’m not going to be alone! So I had better get on with a witty and engaging email, he says! Anyway, have you had a good weekend?

I’ve just returned from holiday this afternoon and planned on replying to an anticipated flood of messages. Thirty messages at least I told myself. Total actually received was slightly less. The only saving grace was that one of the messages was undoubtedly the funniest thing I have ever read. In fact is was so good, I have to share it:

Hi, My name is Agrippa which means wild horse. I am writing you because your profile has taken me. You photo has amusent me too much I cry. Please sure to write back. I hope you to be rich man to appreciate me so i not work. Today in shop I was fisted by a costumer. I don’t want to be back tomorrow. Ciao Xxxx

Have you received anything that strange from a male version of Agrippa? I am still trying to work out the best way to respond. “your photo has amusent me too much I cry” and “fisted by a costumer”? In fact, I should probably pass the email on to the police. However, I have to be honest and say I’m secretly hoping that there are many more Agrippa’s out there who can entertain me with tales of their work and the literal meanings of their names. I think mine translates as “John in Irish”, slightly dull.

So do you have any nice plans for the upcoming week? I’m gearing up to throw a bit of a dinner party (not just a ‘gathering’) for friends tomorrow evening. My housemate suggested it on the back of the fact I have also decided to bite the bullet and apply to appear on come dine with me (only because I want to meet the clever narrator and shake his hand really!). I thought cooking dinner for 6 would be straight forward but it turns out the M&S gastro range of ready meals will not suffice. So I will be attempting everything from scratch, which is a recipe for disaster. Have you got a decent recipe for Creme Brulee? I am also in great need of a blow torch!

‘Ronan’

Hi XXX,
I’m pleased you enjoyed the email. Agrippa is genuinely 1 in a million, although I fear a padded cell may be much closer than she thinks!! In reality she is probably a 45 year old Metallica fan who spends HIS days programming computers or a Nigerian man from Lagos who wants a British passport.

In answer to your question, I was on hols in Portugal. A week away with some of the guys for golf (seven rounds was a tad excessive), barbecues and beer. Not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow!! How about you, do you have any nice holidays planned? I’m already thinking about the next one!

Anyway, I wanted to give you an update on my dinner party, which produced mixed results. The starter was fine but the menu unravelled at my main course. Apparently, the recipe had called for three cloves of garlic but I interpreted (miss-interpreted) that as three bulbs of garlic. Never mind, at least I now know the difference between a bulb and a clove! Should really have called my mum, but that would have been cheating. I may now have to withdraw my come dine with me application. However, it turned out that the garlic episode was only the beginning of a Sunday evening that saw me being reunited with tequila. The result was a dance off with a chap from Bangladesh. Apparently I lost, but not sure I believe that!! I’m also told that I was booed by a small surrounding audience. The shame.
To be honest, I can’t believe that people from Bangladesh are such good dancers! I didn’t think they had access to MC Hammer, but obviously I was badly wrong, and consequently I’m now actually thinking of investing in a 2 week summer trip to Bangladesh on the back of this! I hear a Bangladeshi dance master resides deep in the jungle. He can teach me the ways of the Bangladeshi dance off. Rumour has it that he wears nothing but Speedos, whilst arming himself with orange glow sticks. Just kidding, but I am keen for a rematch!

Well I hope you have nice plans for the rest of the week.

‘Ronan’ x

Pure gold. Its the gift that just keeps giving.

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5 Responses to “A Touch of Gold”

  1. Vix @ LittleMissEverything June 29, 2011 at 4:26 pm #

    MC Hammer!

    • tinkerbelle86 June 29, 2011 at 4:49 pm #

      oh god i know the entire rap to that. im sooooooooooo cooooool!

  2. prenin June 29, 2011 at 7:13 pm #

    Can’t stand rap music – I prefer the real thing!!! 🙂

    Amazing what we get in our emails… 😉

    Love and hugs!

    Prenin.

  3. Sandra Bell Kirchman June 30, 2011 at 5:00 pm #

    Hilarious! I wouldn’t mind having a convo with Ronan myself 🙂

  4. Kara July 2, 2011 at 11:19 pm #

    Ronan has a great sense of humour. What witty comments!

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