I Hate You Mr Brand

The other night, out of politeness, I sat and watched Russell brand’s stand up with my housemates. I normally would have declined, citing tiredness, needing to wash my hair or anything to avoid that stupid man, but I was on my best behaviour as one of the girls had someone round she wanted us to meet. We ate dinner, and then someone suggested Russell Brand. I cursed them under my breath, wishing death on all their friends, including myself if I had to sit and watch that DVD.

I silently gagged myself, trying not to get my famous Brand tourettes, as I quietly went through of all ways I’d happily rather be murdered than have to sit through over an hour of his inane waffle. Gouging eyes out with a spoon, driving off a cliff, falling down a well… they all rated higher.

But no, I sat, and I watched.

My hate for Russell brand is long and enduring, for many reasons.

1) His hair. If I went out of the house with hair like that, I would be stoned, by my friends or by perfect strangers, but I could understand it. I never knew what my mum meant when she said people looked like they had been playing with the electricity mains, but now I see.

2) His voice. He sounds like Little Lord Fauntleroy on crack.

3) His trousers. (I didn’t say they were GOOD reasons, did I?!) They are too tight.

So here is where the entire tapestry of my life began to unfold. I found myself sniggering; quietly so no one would hear. And then chuckling. And then proper belly laughing till my housemates thought I was crazy.

The reason for my dramatic turnaround is thus. He is actually quite intelligent. Once you got past his crude humour at the beginning and he really got going, the man was hilarious. Unlike Al Murray who is just a bit of a dick, or Lee Evans who comes across as being less than the sharpest tool in the box, Russell Brand is self depreciating and amusing.

Seriously, it’s well worth a watch. If you can stomach him calling made up stories “rhubarb”. Because there is no way I’m ever going to be OK with that, but I do think the word hogwash is seriously underused in modern day conversation. Just sayin.