Biological Warfare and the Cat

11 Apr

My cat wants me dead.

Seriously. I may be being slightly dramatic, but she is definitely plotting something or other. When I get home from work I try to stroke her, and she runs away, or tries to bite me but in the evenings when she has tired of chasing birds and tormenting the squirrels, she makes her strange cooing noise, gets on my bed and head butts me in the face so that she can get a tummy rub. But as soon as she has had enough, she bites me again. It’s like cat Russian roulette.

Biological warfare (BW), also known as germ warfare, is the deliberate use of disease-causing biological agents such as protozoa, fungi, bacteria, protists, or viruses, to kill or incapacitate humans, animals or plants. Biological weapons (often referred to as “bio-weapons” or “bio-agents”) are living organisms or replicating entities (virus) that reproduce or replicate within their host victims. (Wikipedia)

I think my cat has been on Wikipedia. She has recently invoked a biological warfare campaign on me, and to be honest I’m not really sure what I have done to deserve it. When her rightful owners (father and step mother) are out I feed her, give her water, let her drink my tea when im done with it and permit her to sleep on my bed and not get locked in the kitchen. We reside in a generally harmonious way, so I don’t know what I have done to upset her, but seriously, she is plotting against me.

It all began with the poor dead mouse. I don’t particularly like mice, but I especially felt peturbed when a mouse turns up, dead on the hallway floor, missing one leg.

Then, a mere two days later there was the tick incident. I don’t know much about ticks, but I know that if you have one, this is bad. So when she got one, I tried to pull it out with the tick device, and she bit, scratched and generally tried to kill me. But I got it out, it waved at me (didn’t think that it was actually a beastly bug and it would still be alive, after feeding on the kitten of death), so I stomped on it. Second time in 48 hours that I had to bleach everywhere she may have been, in case of dead mouse or wavy bug germs.

So when I got home yesterday, my father informed me that the kitten had fleas. I then had to Hoover my room, change my bed and Hoover the mattress, and flea spray the whole place (please note, flea spray is basically dust in a can, or so my lungs think). I had to do the carpet, the curtains, the fabric lamp shade, the throws and anything else I could find that a flea might be lurking in.

I strongly feel that she refers to me among her catty friends as the ‘host victim’. Does anyone want grumpy old lady who has been trapped in the body of a cute little kibby? I’ve got one going!!


27 Responses to “Biological Warfare and the Cat”

  1. Jules April 11, 2011 at 8:12 am #

    haha. I have a grumpy old cat, so I sympathise with you! x

  2. prenin April 11, 2011 at 8:20 am #

    Sounds like you have a problem puss alright!!! 😦

    Basically she’s trying to be the dominant member of the family, so you are bound to have trouble with her until she learns YOU are number one, not her!!!

    Unfortunately that may mean collaring her by the scruff of the neck and dumping her in the kitchen every time she bites you.

    Let her get away with it and it WILL get worse…

    Love and hugs!


  3. mairedubhtx April 11, 2011 at 12:05 pm #

    She’s a beautiful cat. Cats have the right to be a bit quirky at times. I think it’s allowed on their birth certificates. My late cate Hannah was like that. Wouldn’t give you the time of day during the day, but at night, she was as sweet as pie. Just the way cats are.

  4. run4joy59 April 11, 2011 at 12:40 pm #

    I had a cat that was like that..he loved to be petted, when he wanted to be petted, but as soon as he’d had enough, he’d bite…not sure why…it wasn’t like I held him long after he was tired of the attention…one thing I’ve found that might help is getting a little spray bottle, filling it with water and spraying it in her face when she bites. After a while, all you’ll have to do is pick the bottle up and shake it. I utilize this with my Spooky girl every once in a while, it doesn’t hurt her, but it lets her know her behavior is unacceptable. And she still loves me!!

  5. egills April 11, 2011 at 1:14 pm #

    Ah.. the things cats give us and we love them for it.

  6. luzmaria17 April 11, 2011 at 1:17 pm #

    I may live with a dog now but in my former life I was a “cat” person. Now I love them equally and appreciate their drastic differences. I so relate to you current calico puddy tat problems. Good Luck!! : )

  7. vixter2010 April 11, 2011 at 1:36 pm #

    Make her sleep outside for a few nights and I’m sure she’ll be nicer!

    • BDOC April 11, 2011 at 6:35 pm #

      I’m pretty sure that’s the best idea here.

  8. Redneckprincess April 11, 2011 at 2:29 pm #

    OH MY GOD…you have the reincarnate of my old cat…I am not even kidding, she even LOOKS the same…does she puke on the floor if someone comes over to visit? Cause if not, she will…well at least if it is Cassidy reborn…and good luck with that my friend…. 🙂

    • tinkerbelle86 April 12, 2011 at 1:12 pm #

      luckily she doesnt do that… but dont let her catch on, im sure she’ll up her game and pull that out the bag!

  9. melissasmeanderings April 11, 2011 at 2:59 pm #

    She’s young…she’ll settle down! lol

  10. Angelia April 11, 2011 at 3:39 pm #

    Is it wrong that I can’t stop laughing? Will it help if I say I’ve been the unwitting victim of a demented cat and know your very literal pain?

    His name was Duncan. He was black with green eyes. His favorite game was “stalk the hairless one,” so he’d hide behind things and launch himself at me when I walked by. Having a cat routinely attach itself to your thigh is, well, unpleasant.

    Thankfully, he got less demented with age and finally settled into regular games of bloodless hide and seek. I wish the same result for you!

  11. Tipsy Lucy April 11, 2011 at 7:17 pm #

    LOL! I’m so sorry about the trouble you’re having with kitty. Little does she know, you are helping her.
    Thanks for swinging by my blog today. 🙂

  12. Megan April 12, 2011 at 3:14 am #

    HA HA! I’m soooo not a cat girl… 1. because they make me sneeze and itch and freak out. 2. cats either love me or hate me and most often it’s the latter of the two. My best friends cat swats at my ankles everytime I walk by her. I was once stupid enough to agree to “cat sit” when my friend went away, only needing to go over and feed her after work. Little did I know I’d be taking my own life into my hands by reaching down to grab her food and water bowls. The freakin’ cat clawed and hissed and wouldn’t move. It took 45 minutes of me dancing around to finally get the bowls filled and set back in their place. Somehow I managed only to come out with one tiny scratch on my hand. No more cat sitting for me!!!

    • tinkerbelle86 April 12, 2011 at 1:14 pm #

      i love them! i used to have two but when i split up with my ex he got them. sad times!!

  13. Sandra Bell Kirchman April 12, 2011 at 7:43 am #

    I can relate. I only ever had one cat in my live, but she was a she-devil…totally convinced she was the cock of the walk. I still don’t know how a 7 lb. cat can weigh 49 pounds when she was sleeping in bed on top of my legs.

    Her best trick was to bring in a grasshopper that she had caught outside. The mighty hunter returns with her prey. She would then proceed to play with it and finally eat it with satisfying crunches. I really didn’t like vacuuming up grasshopper parts off my livingroom rug.

    But she died when she was ten…and I missed her like crazy. Still do, for that matter.

  14. barb19 April 12, 2011 at 10:09 am #

    But you love her nevertheless!

  15. ocinthered April 12, 2011 at 5:33 pm #

    Ahahahahahaha this is too good. Seriously amazing post. All my cats have had a love hate relationship with me. [[Except one, but that cat was just awesome, so yeah.]] This one cat [[ Andrew]] learned how to open doors and would come to my room at night and jiggle the handle and push the door. Naturally I’m allergic to cats and locked my door because I did NOT want Andrew infecting my room, so at 3am I had my door creepily jiggled back and forth. Oh and when at school the cat promptly opened my door, slept on my bed, and left before I got home.
    My friends cat eats my hair when I sleep, it watches me [[ I watched it watching me, it thought I was asleep..]]
    Anyways, I think all cats have it out for me. I swear they email each other.

  16. sidewaysrun April 13, 2011 at 9:02 pm #

    You are right. If I were you, I’d install cameras and laser sensors on every enterance. Don’t forget to install them 6 feet up, these sly ones are mean jumpers. After owning 8 cats, I promise I’m telling the truth. Waking up with one of these bastards staring at you in the eyballs is frikking terrifying. Don’t risk it dude, arm up or feel the wrath. Think I’m kidding? Think again:

    • tinkerbelle86 April 13, 2011 at 9:06 pm #

      think yuore right. we had another mouse and another tick today. im suicidal! lol

  17. The Hook April 15, 2011 at 4:24 pm #

    Cats can be evil! Seriously, watch out.


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    […] Biological Warfare and the Cat « Tinkerbelle86's Blog […]

  2. Animal Arch Nemesis « Tinkerbelle - October 27, 2011

    […] by tinkerbelle86 in Funnies Tags: blog, dailies, funny, humor, postaday2011, postaweek2011, this and that I read a post a few days ago over at I Drew My Life and it really made me chuckle as it reminded me of my parents. You may have read the story of my father’s most hated animal, the squirrel, but my mum also has a bit of an aversion to the cat from next door. She squirts it with water to make it leave. It ignores her and carries on defecating in her garden. She hasn’t been deterred however, and now has a catapult and some small stones that she keeps in a handy grabbing place, so that if she sees her arch nemesis, Nemesis Cat, from her vantage point at the kitchen window, she can hot foot it in a James Bond way and grab the catapult as she goes. A little much I feel, but I am a massive cat lady. When I had black one and white one (now sadly lost to ex-boyfriend in vicious word battle) she looked at them suspiciously, as they were the kin of Nemesis Cat from her garden. The neighbours feel the same way about my Dad’s cat. […]

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