Blood On Her Paws – The Cold Blooded Killer

22 Mar

Last night I came home from work and vegged on the sofa. I had had one of those days where you seem to have three million things on your hit list and only 9 hours in the day (excluding the half hour where I munched on the risotto we cooked the night before whilst trying to sort my inbox into something a little more manageable and not have a breakdown). At one point I reached simmering point when three phone lines were ringing, the postman arrived and the printer started malfunctioning, and when my colleague parked a phone call for me I just exploded “aaargh!! I need to get out of this office!” she calmly took a message, and silently went off to make me a cup of tea. She knows.

Anyway, less about work, as work takes up too much of our lives.

I got home, made tea and snuggled with my big blanket on the sofa to watch master chef. And then I heard a load of cat noise in the hallway. The evil kitten doesn’t really purr or meow that much, but she makes a weird cooing noise as she moves about the house. It’s quite cute, but last night the noise was different. It was sort of menacing.

I went out to see what the fuss was. I knew she had been taunting other neighbourhood cats this week as she has been spending a lot of her time flying back through the cat flap and hiding behind the washing machine, or in the sofa (more on that later*) And there she was. With a mouse.

I stood, frozen for a second and said to my mum, who was on the phone at the time “Mum, I have to go. There is a mouse situation.” I spend nearly a minute looking at her, looking at the poor dead mouse, and looking back at her in a weird, frozen, well-what-the-hell-do-i-do-now? pose. I went upstairs to get the water spray, after informing said kitten to “JUST LEAVE IT ALONE! IT’S DEFINATELY DEAD!!!” (I need to address the talking to animals thing).

(this is actually a mouse mat… buy it here)

When I came down, I sprayed the bad cat in the face, while shouting “bad cat” at her. I think I should have established at this point that she didn’t give a crap, as she then flicked the mouse at me. Which by now only had three legs. Where the hell was the other leg??! (Emma’s slippers were kinda close to the corpse…)

I grabbed the cat, threw her outside and locked the cat flap. I then had to deal with the issue of the mouse, killed before its time. I made a health and safety worthy contraption by wrapping a carrier bag around ny hand and then covering the bag with kitchen roll. I grabbed the mouse and turned the bag inside out, being a massive girl and gagging at the thought of having a dead mouse in my hand. I then spent ten minutes searching for the severed leg…. don’t worry Em, it wasn’t in your slipper. Ew ew ew yuck. I had to spent half an hour bleaching every piece of floor she could have possibly touched while bringing in her mouse body.

Emma laughed at me all night. I was traumatised and every time she got on my lap I put her on the floor and explained to her she was a murderer and had blood on her paws. She had ruined my relaxing evening!

This has happened to me before when I lived with ex-boyfriend and had my two kibbies, (read all about it in They Plan To Ruin My Life)

Dad, come back soon. I am not an undertaker!!!

*yeah so the kitten has learnt how to get IN the sofa. We have one of those reclining numbers, and there is a velcro pouch on the back (i think to hide all the cord and stuff). Iain and I were sitting, reclined on the sofa the other day, and a claw comes shooting out of the space between us. “what was that?” “dude, i think your cat is in the sofa.”

How ridiculous.

I went to get a torch and we spent fifteen minutes laying on the floor trying to work out how the hell she had got in there. “she so isn’t in the sofa!” I said, getting bored. and then we saw her tail. sticking out of the smallest space in the velcro. she was in the sofa. some things are sent to test us!!!


13 Responses to “Blood On Her Paws – The Cold Blooded Killer”

  1. barb19 March 22, 2011 at 7:57 am #

    I love this post – you had me rolling around on the floor in fits of laughter, imagining you with the cat and then getting rid of the mouse! You tell it so well!

  2. vixter2010 March 22, 2011 at 12:02 pm #

    Haha love it, cats can be quite evil with their kills but it was a present for you don’t forget 🙂 My cat (sadly no longer here!) used to bring in live frogs that screamed in the middle of the night. Not fun.

  3. egills March 22, 2011 at 3:20 pm #

    Oh I know that noise so well! One of my cats used to bring them to me live so she could teach me what I was supposed to do…. fun at 3am trying to find the nasty biting mouse and throw it out before it made a nest in the house while Bella was trying to get at it along with my other two cats…

  4. Janet March 22, 2011 at 3:35 pm #

    Great story! Funny and gross at the same time. I must sympathise somewhat with your cat, however. I grew up with a cat that was a great bird-killer. I felt really bad for the innocent birds, but the really odd thing to me, and what made me somewhat of a philosopher on the topic of homocidal cats, is my mom. My mom loved birds, and she loved the cat. This was a real ethical dilemma. I worked it out for myself in this way; the cat is a natural hunter. Our cat always ate what she killed. I can’t tell you how many times we found pathetic little piles of feathers and bird feet around the yard. I felt that it was her nature to do this, and since she ate them, it seemed somehow not so bad. (Not just killing for the fun of it, although I was suspicious she did enjoy it a little too much.) My mom never got used to it, and to this day has conflicting issues around cats.

  5. prenin March 22, 2011 at 3:43 pm #

    When Pat’s kids were young they had a dog called Patty who was a lovely thing, but she had a habit of eating the inedible.

    One day she was found in the kids bedroom with a badly chewed up frog – and I couldn’t go near it without chucking up!!!

    In the end Pat moved it, but she was as green as I was!!! 🙂

    Amazing what animals put us through…

    Love and hugs!


  6. Babygirl March 22, 2011 at 4:06 pm #

    I wouldn’t exactly call her a bad cat because I totally dislike mice so I would’ve been praising her lol.. but I totally get it. I loved reading this.

  7. Captain Obvious March 22, 2011 at 5:10 pm #

    I’m on the cat’s side! Just doin her job, who’s to deny her instincts?

    • tinkerbelle86 March 22, 2011 at 5:22 pm #

      fair enough guys, i get its her instinct, but she didnt have to hide its leg 🙂

  8. Sandi Ormsby March 22, 2011 at 7:43 pm #

    my mother in law’s cat, Phantom, would come in and drop off “presents” and then we’d never see the cat. (hence his name) One Thanksgiving, we have all the food on the table, I put my son down (and at that time, he was crawling) As I bent down, I immediately scooped him up and screamed. Phantom had left a HUGE dead rat under our Thanksgiving table! Gross, gross, gross…my son was on his way to inspect it and how could no one else have seen this!

    That’s all I could think about while reading your story. Isn’t it the most disgusting thing ever? I couldn’t believe the size of that rat, but at least all his body parts were there. I hate to think of you discovering a line of ants leading to the severed arm somewhere (shudder) some day.

    Crazy about the cat in the sofa. The old, surprise, reach out and claw ya trick! 🙂


  9. Sandra Bell Kirchman March 22, 2011 at 8:33 pm #

    Actually, I agree with the people who say the cat was only doing what comes naturally. Cats are among the most efficient hunters/killers in the world no matter what their size. It is how they were made. And perhaps the cat ate the severed leg. That’s my guess, if you never found it.

    However, I do sympathize with your disgust and shock at the ew-factor of it all.

    On the other side of the coin, how would you like to have your house overrun by mice. I most heartily assure you that you would give both slippers and part of your inheritance for a good mouser. I was in that situation some years ago and went to my next-door neighbor to beg to borrow her cat. She was an old farmer and just laughed at me, handing out advice, including using Bounce strips in the air vents, which she assured me mice hated.

    I won’t tell the whole story, but I wrote a pathetic essay on it, called “The Mouse Incident,” which escalated to “The Mouse Epidemic” not too long after.

    We finally solved the problem with ordinary 20-cent mousetraps, but it was horrible. I once called my husband to come home from work right away to dispose of a mousetrap that had just snapped. He said he couldn’t get away from work. I said, couldn’t he just tell the boss there was a death in the family? There was a muffled silence and what sounded suspiciously like snorting.

    Anyhow, all I am saying is, cats have their place in the scheme of things, because the alternative is too grim to contemplate 😛

  10. Redneckprincess March 23, 2011 at 3:00 am #

    Somehow…that cat is for SURE related to mine…

  11. pnuts666 March 24, 2011 at 3:49 pm #

    lol that cat is awesome and cool looking too!


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