More Than Words

1 Mar

This is a bit of a heartfelt one for me, and I’ve toyed with writing it but as this seems to be a sort of catharsis, I’ve decided to lay it bare. I’ve written and rewritten, deleted through shyness or fear, but sod it. No regrets hey? Im sorry for such a long post, but the background was needed!!

Seven years ago, just as I turned eighteen I met a boy. He annoyed me, yet he was always there asking me to go out with him. My friends thought it was amusing; he was one of the boys who everyone knew, the sporty one, the loudmouth one, the generally mischievous joker and I was quiet and studious; preferring to study for my a levels than frequent the alcohol fuelled boat parties and other social events. Don’t get me wrong, I had fun like the rest of them, but I had other things on my mind. Like my future. He bothered me so much that eventually I agreed to go out for lunch with him one Saturday and pass the time, fully intending this to be it and for him to be convinced that there was nothing intriguing about me.

Fast forward seven years to where you find me today, nursing a heart that has been through the ringer like washing through a mangle. He turned out to be a monumental part of my life you see; we laughed and cried for nearly five years, but how we argued. I remember once having a full blown row with him about the theory of evolution after watching a TV programme. He staunchly believed in every detail, I said that I thought there were holes in the story. A simple disagreement of opinion turned into the next cold war and we were at each other’s throats.

So skip back a bit, to year four, when he went travelling. For three months he was set to visit some amazing places and I helped him pack, watched him plan and soaked in every last second I could spend with the boy I looked up to and loved so wholeheartedly. I didn’t realise how hard it would hit me not having him there to scoop my feelings back together when they fell apart, and how much I would miss the coarse, guitar playing fingers that would entwine with mine as he slept, so bound together we were in our lives. I didn’t get out of my pyjamas for a week, and ate only cheese and ice cream. My heart teetered on the ring of the phone, and when I missed the calls I thought it was made of glass that had fallen from a height.

I met him at the airport when he came home, and it was, for once in my life, just like a film. i hugged him so hard he struggled to breathe and we lingered in a laughing and crying rubber band ball of arms and legs and smiles and tears. But over the next few weeks something went wrong, as much as we laughed we fought over nothing, and suddenly the battle lines were drawn. And it was my fault. Some sort of strange fear took over me and I became a person I had never been, nor will ever be again.  A few months later we met, and I wore my heart on my sleeve, explaining to him that i just couldn’t not have him in my life. He listened, and then told me he had met someone else.

So now, back to today. Well, almost. Back to last week. I pulled a box from the cupboard and out fluttered cards that I had saved, postcards from his travels and a valentine’s card where he has drawn a picture of us in a castle. The him stick man was saying “look I’m not holding on” and the me stick lady was having a fear of heights melt down. There was also a birthday card saying he would love me forever. It’s funny that forever has a time limit sometimes. I put them back in their hidey hole, unable to throw them away and carried on with my day.

I’ve survived without him. In the near on two years we haven’t seen each other I’ve lived my life; I’ve laughed, I’ve cried and I’ve experienced some great things. Yet I’ve often cast my mind back to him and memories that I simply couldn’t extract him from. You might think that time puts a rosy tint on memory and that my mind is being selective. You would be wrong; my body bears the scars of every argument like ive rolled through a thorn bush, memories of words exchanged in anger plain for me to see. The truth is not that I have forgotten, but that I love despite these bruises on my brain.

And then last week I got a text out of the blue and agreed to go and meet him. I toyed with going as the feelings were buried deep and best off left there, but like a moth to a flame there was no way I wouldn’t go. And it was lovely. We talked, words spilling out until late at night, easily yabbering about mother and sister and brother and travels until it was time to say goodbye.

As I walked away, tears began the descent down my skin. And they didn’t stop. I sobbed for the boy I lost and the man he has grown into, and it dawned on me that you can pretend to not feel something so much that you truly believe it, until something comes along and digs it up. This whole weekend I have been pensive and stormy, and I cannot settle on anything. I still love him. I’m glad he is happy and life is good for him but I wish more than anything that I could turn the clock back and act differently at certain pivotal points. For now I have to be content in the fact that he is never far from my thoughts, and get on with it. After all, c’est la vie. But whoever said ‘its better to have loved and lost than never loved at all’ surely was watching from the sidelines and had never experienced that sense of loss. It hit me like a hurricane battles the coast, and the only person who could make it better was him.

This isn’t a plea for sympathy. This is merely the closing of a chapter. After all, if you are not truthful with yourself how can you look another person in the eye? So all I have left to say is that we used to say that we were both on the same road, but one was just a little behind. I hope he catches me up one day.

I heard that you’re settled down
That you found a girl and you’re married now
I heard that your dreams came true
Guess she gave you things I didn’t give to you
Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain’t like you to hold back or hide from the light
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it
I had hoped you’d see my face
And that you’d be reminded that for me it isn’t over
Never mind, I’ll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you, too
Don’t forget me, I beg
I remember you said
“Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,”
You know how the time flies
Only yesterday was the time of our lives
We were born and raised in a summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days

Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes, they’re memories made
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Nevermind, I’ll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you
Don’t forget me, I beg
I remember you said
“Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead”

Adele, Someone Like You (2011)

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37 Responses to “More Than Words”

  1. vixter2010 March 1, 2011 at 2:12 pm #

    Love this post, thanks for being so honest. I think we have all felt that sense of lost love and regret, of wishing you could go back or that things had turned out diffrerently so well done for opening up about it.
    Ps: that song is amazing and so emotional!

    • tinkerbelle86 March 1, 2011 at 2:18 pm #

      thanks vix. i literally saved it as a draft since saturday, but what the hell! we only live once.

  2. Goody March 1, 2011 at 4:06 pm #

    i have someone like that in my life as well. he never moved on to someone else, jsut never moved forward with me. he’s always been this elusive person in my life that i will always love. i sometimes mention him in my blog, funny thing is..he reads it. he recently let me know that he wants to see me again, but i’m already with someone else. life jsut isn’t fair sometimes. anyway, i know what you’re going through. i wish you the best of luck!

  3. tknologlvr March 1, 2011 at 4:21 pm #

    So sorry you are hurting. I am going through a painful situation myself, but have found that sharing my thoughts through blogging has helped tremendously. Quick healing to you!

    • tinkerbelle86 March 1, 2011 at 4:25 pm #

      actually feel a lot better after writing it. it seems that as it flows through to the keys it vanishes. result 🙂

  4. the domestic fringe March 1, 2011 at 4:37 pm #

    You shared your heart in the most beautiful way. Saying a prayer for peace in your soul.
    -FringeGirl

  5. Bella Ngan March 1, 2011 at 5:04 pm #

    Saying out loud your feelings is always better than deny and keep it deep inside your heart. Wish you will move on and meet your right one ^^ be happy

  6. prenin March 1, 2011 at 5:45 pm #

    Love hurts hun.

    It hurts to love and be ignored, it hurts to love and find you only fight and argue when you are together.

    It hurts when you find the perfect match only for them to betray you in some way, or with someone.

    Life is born in pain and does get better, but every time you fall in love it will be different and all too often it’ll hurt like hell.

    But we keep on looking and loving just the same…

    Love and hugs sweetheart!

    Your Friend.

    Prenin.

  7. melissasmeanderings March 1, 2011 at 5:49 pm #

    Letting things out can sometimes not only be cathartic but help us see them in a new light. I’ve been where you are and in some ways still am…it’s so hard to let go of those “what ifs”. Looks like you are making progress within yourself and for that I am happy for you.

    • tinkerbelle86 March 1, 2011 at 5:53 pm #

      thanks melissa. dont think im quite there yet. its just easy when i know most people who read this dont know me! 🙂

  8. Ava Aston's Muckery March 1, 2011 at 5:57 pm #

    Are we related? I say that because I love this post and my heart has been there before and my emotions/reactions/thoughts have been identical to yours. As a recording artist I take that love/loss of love/pain and wrote about it. You might relate to this song of mine:

    http://www.reverbnation.com/play_now/song_620151

    I loved the post and started following your blog! Hang in there!

    Blessings,

    Ava
    xox

    • tinkerbelle86 March 1, 2011 at 6:06 pm #

      thanks Ava… maybe read some of the happier ones, not usually this pensive 🙂

  9. themichaellamcollection March 1, 2011 at 6:21 pm #

    Hey Laura, its a brave thing to put all this out there, but I suppose it can also be therapeutic for you 🙂
    I hate to sound like my parents did, but things do change with time, your view on it will be different in time, the feelings would be the same, but there’ll be a maturity to the views. Don’t take the word maturity wrong, it just means looking back with older eyes, whether its months older or years 🙂
    Like you said, live life!

  10. Jennifer Avventura March 1, 2011 at 6:34 pm #

    Stay strong. Remember we’ve all hurt, we’ve all experienced some form of loss. You are not alone. The pain will fade but the memories will remain with you forever. Move on. It’s good you’ve written about it and than you for your sheer honesty, I enjoyed the read.

  11. Nathan Marcello Rotunda March 1, 2011 at 7:37 pm #

    I’m sure there is some worn out cliche that I could tell you that would make you feel better about everything but I can’t think of one. Life and love is messy sometimes. I can’t sit here and tell you that everything is going to be okay because I don’t know what the future holds for you, but I can say without a doubt that I hope that you are happy someday soon.

    • tinkerbelle86 March 1, 2011 at 7:40 pm #

      im ok. i dealt with most of it a long time ago! but like i said to get it off my chest is to push it away. i promise the amusing ones will be back again tomorrow 🙂

  12. Lou March 1, 2011 at 7:58 pm #

    Well I do know you tinker and you should feel much better getting it out in the open! You put the whole situation beautifully in words and it brought a tear to my eye! Could be pregnancy hormones but I just want you to know I love you and will always be here for you through thick and thin even if we don’t see eachother for what’s seems light years in between but I’m always here!
    Big hugs xxx
    Ps your posts brighten up my day x

    • tinkerbelle86 March 1, 2011 at 11:28 pm #

      thanks louloubelle, its just the baby pressing on your tear string!! cant wait to meet he/she/it! love you x

  13. This Italian Family March 1, 2011 at 8:01 pm #

    Oh girl, it hurts my heart to read this. I know you are on the path to healing, but it is never easy to walk down this path. Thanks for sharing this piece of your heart.

  14. photomi7ch March 1, 2011 at 8:35 pm #

    This is part of the tappestry of life and for some of us it will happen several time before we get it right. Just remember to watch for the warning signes.

  15. Nina March 1, 2011 at 8:48 pm #

    This was a beautiful post. I love and admire your honesty and I hope that it has helped you deal with all the feelings you’re going through, at least in a small way. You’re also a wonderful writer, you’re introspective and in touch with your emotions and I wish I could write like that. Thanks for sharing this piece though, I really enjoyed reading it though it was hard and sad to at times.

  16. barb19 March 1, 2011 at 9:39 pm #

    I read your beautiful post with heartfelt emotion for your honesty and open-ness. Sometimes when we write things down we feel better emotionally because we get it off our chest; I hope this has worked for you, and I wish you better days ahead – they are there for the taking! Stay positive and live life!

  17. Nicole March 2, 2011 at 12:16 am #

    Prayers and hugs. Life isn’t easy sometimes…

  18. Joy March 2, 2011 at 1:08 am #

    I feel so bad for you. I feel happy you had this love but sad that it didn’t work out. You’ll never forget this love. I had one like it and sometimes I think about it and I just want to crawl into a hole and drag my sadness in with me and then other times, I just grin to myself because man, that guy made me laugh and he got me to try new things and lord love a duck, I loved him and I still do. It didn’t work out but it was sure fun while it lasted and I’m sure glad I had it.

    Listen to The Dance by Garth Brooks. It’s my favorite memory of this time.

  19. Megan March 2, 2011 at 2:45 am #

    My dear, your hurt is that which I am familiar with. While it may not completely fade, time along with faith does heal. I too have been going through a “rough” patch in this area and know that the love and support of my blogging family has helped me in ways I never thought possible… Sharing my thoughts and feelings here with my “family” has had a positive impact on the long road I have ahead of me… learning more and more about myself in the process daily. It will get easier… have faith and patience… That’s what I keep telling myself. Thank you for sharing your thoughts so openly. You’ve got my respect and support 🙂

  20. in every atom March 2, 2011 at 6:39 am #

    Beautifully written! Don’t be too hard on yourself. All things happen for a good reason, and sometimes, only distance of time allows us to see the good even in that which is painful.

  21. Katie March 2, 2011 at 5:05 pm #

    This is a really moving post. I admire your honesty. While I’m sure it was therapeutic to write, it takes cojones to push that “publish” button. How you feel about him might never change, but this newfound acceptance might just free you enough to let great love back in again. 🙂

    • rantonit March 4, 2011 at 12:52 am #

      exactly what I was thinking!

  22. thoughtsappear March 3, 2011 at 12:57 pm #

    Wow, 5 years is a long time. (I’ve never made it past 3.) You’re much braver than I am to meet with someone you’ve been in a relationship with. I don’t keep in contact with any of my exs.

    • tinkerbelle86 March 3, 2011 at 1:23 pm #

      a lot of people say that but sometimes you identify the fact that a person is simply too special to lose.

  23. Jayne March 3, 2011 at 4:13 pm #

    I just wonder if it’s possible he still has feelings for you because I wonder why he texted? Letting go is terribly difficult and I’m so sorry you’re still hurting. It’s a sad reality in life that we all tend to analyse things in retospect and sometimes wish that we had done things differently. I tend to think that if we are happy where we are now then it’s best to philopsophically accept that everything – both the good and the bad – has brought us to this place in time. The space left by him is there so that someone who is right for you can fill it.

  24. rantonit March 4, 2011 at 12:41 am #

    :)…..halfway through your post “it’s better to have loved and lost , than not to have loved at all ” crept into my head , and I was going to tell you that atleast you know see how a quote looks like from at leat two perspectives of human condition (which I have now done anyway , I’m happy when you did bring up the quote a few lines later 😀 ) .
    That said , I’m very happy for you , that you’ve decided to write this and written it so well .

  25. smilesndreams March 5, 2011 at 4:15 pm #

    A lot of honesty in your post and I admire you for publishing the post. It sometimes helps to let out everything you have in your mind. Just clearing it out…

  26. Lolo Sianipar March 7, 2011 at 12:47 pm #

    like this post very much…

    “But whoever said ‘its better to have loved and lost than never loved at all’ surely was watching from the sidelines and had never experienced that sense of loss.”

    so true….

  27. tgpw March 8, 2011 at 8:23 pm #

    What a heartbreaking and honest post – I’ve been attempting to write something similar to this recently, (different situation, but similar outcome), but you’ve put it into words far better than I ever could. Still, better to have loved and been told to piss off……. My new favourite blog!

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