Recently I experienced the awkwardness of bumping into my ex and his new girlfriend. And it made me think, and thinking about it has taken up a lot of my time of late. So in typical me fashion, catharsis is needed and so here goes.
I sent an email yesterday to try to bury the hatchet, after all, I was close enough to him to feel it necessary to live with him, holiday with him and purchase two cats with him; a message just to say that we had potentially both said things we regretted and lets just start afresh, in relative peace.
What I received back was a bit of a shock.
Apparently his feelings are that ‘I made him feel so worthless’ when we split up that he cannot see it to have any sort of friendship. And he is in love.
This isn’t designed to be a bitter post, I don’t feel animosity at all as you cannot govern another’s feelings and simply have to accept and move on. What bothers me, and what has been playing on my mind is how one person’s actions can determine another’s. In splitting up with ex, moving to my paternal home and choosing not to meet up with him, in fear of not sticking to my decision, I have made him feel that way. And that upsets me. The thought of making another person feel bad is something that is thought of rarely as we move through the world. Self preservation, worry and anxiety in us take president to preserving another’s feelings, and baring consideration for what they are going through.
But how should this be addressed? I have a friend in a relationship who cannot split up with her partner, despite really not being emotionally there anymore, for fear of hurting them, and not doing what she feel is expected of her.
Call me selfish, but I just cannot do that. my life has changed so much in the last six months, and although I am glad for the time we spent together and remember the fun we had, I could not carry on living in something my heart wasn’t in. But does putting myself first make me a bad person? I would hope not, but we only have one chance at the life we have, so we should make the most of every second. Its just sad that despite all the laughs, tears and general merriment, this is wiped out like sand in the tide, and all that remains is one person being the bad person.